i don't know..

Why am I becoming a fountain of problems??...ako yung may problema and other people are just helping me...pero ang nangyayari, when they helped me, sila naman yung nagkakaroon ng problema...na-a-appreciate ko yun pero ang hirap lang na naiisip mo na ikaw yung dahilan kung bakit may problem sila...

thanks for being there if i have problems....kahit to the extent na ikaw na yung namomroblema ng problems ko...kw na yung nag-ca-carry ng burdens ko...sobrang thank you dun....sana next time ako naman yung makatulong sa'yo....i would really love to help you...don't worry, kahit ano i will try to do to help you...that's a PROMISE!! i will forever be the same with you....and i am more than willing to share my remaining years on this earth with a person like you...I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

"hindi kailangan ng maraming tao para bumuo ng mundo. minsan isang tao lang ang kasama mo, buo na ang mundong kailangan mo habangbuhay." - Bob Ong..

Na-realize ko lang...uO nga....it's so real! :D

WAAAHH.....

Test na sa stat mamaya...parang wala pa akong alam...anyways, if I fail, I will just look on the positive side....na may cancellable test naman....pero nakakapanghinayang pa rin eh...kasi supposedly, isa 'to sa pinakamadaling topic namin....bahala na...nag-aral naman ako eh..but if that's not enough, God is more than enough...

:D

I think I'm okay now...

After 12 hours of sleep and a couple of notes from friend/s, I think I'm somehow OKAY now....I just realize that sometimes (or always), I should just take life as it is and trust that something good will happen...Maybe, I should just trust people and rely on anything they said (though if promises are broken, my life will be a mess)....But despite those, I just decide to just trust people and to hope for a better tomorrow....I am not sure what will happen tomorrow, the next day, the next month, the next year, or the next couple of years...but still, I want to hope for a good future....I know everything will be OKAY....I will just enjoy what I have now....I won't mind what will happen next; I will just trust....

I am trusting you....don't let me hope for something that won't happen....'cause I didn't force you to promise, but you insist...hehehehe.... :P but if you really want to leave, I won't hold you back...though I am afraid of it (and I don't like it to happen), I think I will....because that's the right thing... :D

Why am I becoming more EMO?!

Why is life so ironic? That the person who makes you feel so happy is also the same person who makes you feel so down, sad, and depress...

The happiness I feel is just a total bliss...I am happy in a second and with a snap of a finger, I'm back in reality...a sad reality...I hate myself loving other people...I hate myself when I miss people...I hate myself when I care for others....but what can I do? It's me...though I am often becoming sad when I am doing these things, I still do it 'cause I think it's good..

I hate being attached to people...I hope I am just a robot who did his job without any emotional attachment....At least, in this case, I won't be hurt when someone is gone or I won't be paranoid about a friend leaving me...I know I am happy with this attachment, but happiness also means pain...It comes in pair, as always....

I don't want to be close to anybody...because i know someday someone's gonna leave....and i can't accept that fact...I know I'm becoming possessive or egoistic or whatsoever, but it's hard to accept that fact...Sometimes I am asking why people just come and go, and we can't do anything about it??...that there's no such thing as forever and though people promise for it, their forever means ASAP!! In an instant, you will just notice they are gone as soon as they promise to stay....But I think that's life....A continuous process of fluctuating emotions, until you learn how to control your own feelings and be mature enough to stand up and be strong...People come and go but they leave a mark in you...though the time of parting ways come, you will always be a part of the other...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jealousy is not healthy 'cause it makes me sick! It really does...

Test sa Stat tomorrow!

Hay! katatapos lang ng exam sa Stat last week, midterm naman ngayon..

Hindi na matapos-tapos tests namin....sunod-sunod.....sana naman makapagpahinga ako....next week pa tapos ng hell MONTH ko!!

Aral muna tayo....para pumasa..hahaha...dalawang subjects pa exam ko bukas..

:D

I have a little BRO!

I always want to have a brother whom I can share my thoughts with...a person who can relate with my experiences well....a person who I can share my thoughts with, hang out with, who can be makulet as I am....I always want that...

However, my friends are often girls...I don't know why...maybe because i grew up with a sister, 2 girl cousins, aunts, lola, mom and so forth....I rarely hang out with my dad (only when it's Sunday 'coz we went to malls to play video games and watch movies), lolo, uncle, boy cousins (that's if i have boy cousins on my father's side....because we're living far from my mother's side), and brother (at that time, i don't have a brother yet....but now, he's just 5 years old and he can't relate on my experiences...i can't share all my thoughts with him...will he understand?)

Up until last few days (not now!), I am looking for a brother figure (though i preferred bigger brother, a little brother - but not too young - is still great!)....and now, my wish came true! I already have a close guy friend (hope we're really close) who I think can relate with me (hope so)....makulit, have almost the same likes as I do (chem and i hope dancing as well), kind (sana), ready to listen kahit gaguhan lang usapan (or I just force him to listen>? hahaha)....

:D

I am happy!

There's no specific reason why...I am happy because I chose to be happy...happiness is not a result of a good happening in your life...but rather it's a choice to make and act despite the odds telling you not to be (happy)...

I am happy because I am...no one can change it except me...'coz the choice is in my hands

:D

The Coolest Icko on Ice

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An Army of Icko.

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Always After Me Icko.

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Life Should Taste As Good As Icko.

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The Icko of your Life.

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Icko is so Bracing.

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Savour the Flavour of Icko.

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Everyone's Favourite Icko.

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8. Your parents asked you why you got home late, you say

Schhh... You Know Icko.

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9. You're failing a subject, you say,

More Icko Please.

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The Icko That Eats Like A Meal.

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11.Your bf/gf is breaking up with you, you tell him/her...

Do The Icko.

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If You Really Want To Know, Look In The Icko.

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Go To Work On An Icko.

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Give the Dog an Icko.

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We Build Icko.

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Icko - It Does a Body Good.

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17. Title of this post will be...

The Coolest Icko on Ice.

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I don't wanna wait in vain for HER love!!

Maybe I should now move on...It's been a very long time since I hold on to this feeling...It's hard to wait for a love that doesn't really exist at all...I should be contented on the relationship we have...Though I am expecting some more, it doesn't benefit both of us especially me. As much as I want to be closer and more intimate to her, the more we become apart...I love her and I really want to care for her...I want to love her as much as I can but now I realize that I should control myself...I am not happy with it but maybe it's a better, if not right, decision...I shouldn't be a martyr and just love her and not be loved back...Who doesn't want his/her love ones to love him/her back? Of course everyone wants his/her love to be reciprocated...It's so tiring to love someone that is oblivious of your existence...Who is just taking you for granted and not realizing the efforts you are exerting just to make her feel that you care for her....But honestly, i never get tired of loving her though I really want to....Gusto kong mapagod pero every time I saw her, I always realize that I still and will love her...I always tell myself that I shouldn't love her anymore and I should distract myself in loving her. But just after I told that to myself, my heart keeps screaming and shouting for the feelings I have for her...I can't keep my feeling for her...I often found myself staring at her though I really didn't intend to...I often found myself playing with her hair, pinching her or any action where I can feel that I am close to her (literally)....I always miss her and found myself thinking of her...

However, if I really love her, I should set her free....I shouldn't fence her and prevent her from achieving happiness (though it's possible that her happiness is with someone else's company)...It's hard (I know!) to do it but it's the right thing to do...It is always hard to do the right thing but we should always do it...But though I decide to stop loving her and prevent myself on hoping for something more than friends (if we're still the friends we were before), she will always be the girl I care for and love...Though I still want to wait for her love (even in vain...promise!!), I am feeling that she doesn't want me to wait...I should accept the fact that the best thing we could just ever be is being friends...

I really really really love her (kahit na she doesn't love me back...loving her still brings me happiness) and my decisions wouldn't change that fact...

In bed!!

Hahahaha....

Sobrang funny ng night ko yesterday...Nagstart sa Philo class ko kung saan sobrang hyper ni Sir Jope...para siyang nakainom or nakadrugs...Sobrang energetic niya kagabi kaya hindi rin naging dull yung Philo class ko kahapon..

Nagkuwento siya tungkol sa mga car minor-accidents niya at kung paano siya nag-react sa mga pangyayaring iyon...tapos kinuwento rin niya yung "pagtataksil" kuno ng asawa niya dahil dalawang beses nagsend sa kanya ng SMS na kasama niya si John Lloyd...at eto namang si Sir, nagdrama at nag-act kung paano niya pagsasabihan yung asawa niya kapag nagkita sila sa bahay (hahaha..na-i-imagine ko pa si Sir kung paano siya sinabi yung line na "Talipantas ka" sabay sampal sa hangin ng kaliwa't kanan)....hanggang sa napunta na kami sa pag-uusap ng "Logos"....Ginawa niyang halimbawa ang pagsasabi ng "I love you" bilang logos...Nagkuwento pa siya ng scenario na pag-iibigan ng dalawang tao na halaw sa patalastas ng Greenwich (yung may pizza and lasagna...hahahaha)...tapos napunta rin kami sa nagsasalitang dingding na nagsasabing "Huwag mo akong banggain kasi masasaktan ka" (habang sinasabi ito ni Sir, buong buo ang emosyon niya na para bang may malalim siyang pinaghuhugutan)...hanggang sa nagsalita na rin ang mesa na ang linya naman ay "Patungan mo ako, patungan mo ako" (hahaha...ang laswa sa pandinig!!)...tapos sinabi rin ni Sir yung line na "Ang lahat ng bagay ay magkaugnay, magkaugnay ang lahat" ng paulit-ulit dahil daw paulit-ulit din yung kanta...At sobrang madami pang iba...sobrang funny but also insightful night with Sir Jope discussing Philosophy...

Then, hindi pa dyan natapos yung gabi ko....Pumunta ako ng Macci para i-meet sina Gian, Tin at Reyvan para mag-review sa nalalapit na pagsusulit sa Finance...ngunit nauwi ang lahat sa tawanan at pagjo-joke...kasi naman, dumating si Amae...

Marami kaming nilaro at napagkuwentuhan kagabi pero ang highlight ng lahat ay nung naglaro kami ng "What would you Choose..." na application ni Amae sa phone niya...laro iyon kung saan kailangan mong pumili ng isa mula sa dalawang choices...at sobrang weird ng mga choices....(e.g. What would you choose, drink a pee in a week or eat slugs in a day? something like that)...Tapos hanggang sa nauwi yung tanong sa "What would you choose, End all your sentences with 'in bed' or end it with 'zzzzz...over'?".....And we chose the first one...tapos, sinubukan namin and sobrang nakakatawa yung mga kinalabasan...Puno ng malisya yung bawat sentence na babangitin namin....at hindi na kami halos huminto...kahit na ayaw na namin, tumatakbo pa rin sa isip namin na dugtungan lahat ng sinasabi namin ng 'in bed'....and napag-usapan pa namin, for example, si Roden...example sentences:"Ang boring naman ni Roden...in bed", "Laging naka-power stance si Roden...in bed", "Laging nakabukaka si Roden...in bed", "Ayoko kay Roden kasi nambabagsak siya....in bed","Hindi marunong magturo si Roden...in bed", at napakarami pang iba....hanggang pati nga ako nabiktima kasi kumakain ako ng fries tapos nagpatawa sila about 'in bed' kaya hindi ko tuloy malunok yung fries...so, sabi ko..."Ayoko na, hindi ako makalunok"..then, dinugtungan nila ng 'in bed'....hahahaha....lalo akong tumawa nang tumawa...Tapos sinabi ko din na nangangawit na yung panga ko...and again, dugtong nila 'in bed'?..hahaha..Tapos sinabi rin ni Amae na "Huwag ako yung sisihin ninyo dyan (sa walang humpay na pagtawa) ha. Ako lang yung nag-initiate pero kayo yung NAGPALAKI".....hahaha....malamang, anong dugtong?? eh di, IN BED...SOBRANG ADIK!!

Sobrang adik ng mga tao kahapon...hanggang ngayon nga may hang-over pa rin ako sa ka-adikan ni Sir Jope and syempre sa 'in bed' na pinasimulan ni Amae...sobrang hindi ko na matanggal sa isip ko yung phrase na 'in bed'

"What is love?"

1. "Love is the answer to the problem of loneliness because it is only in love that i find at-onement and still remain myself"

2. "Love is an active power in man, power which breaks through the walls which separate man from his fellowmen, which unites him with others, love makes him overcome the sense of isolation and separateness, yet, it permits him to be himself, to retain his integrity. In love, the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two."

3. "And love is the experience of this depth and mystery of the other and the firm will to be for him."

4. "...even if i have satisfied the request of the other, he may go away dissatisfied because my heart was not in it."

5. "While it is true that i need an attitude that has broken away from self-preoccupation to see the appeal of the other, the converse also holds: the appeal of the other which is himself enables me to liberate myself from my narrow self. It reveals to me an entirely new dimension of my existence, that perhaps my self-realization may be a destiny-for-you. Because of you,I understand the meaningless of my egoism.

6. Perhaps, I am not meant to be alone, perhaps I can only be truly myself with you."

7. "Compatibility is not necessarily love. Neither is submission necessarily love, sometimes, refusing the request of the other may be the only way of loving the person in a situation, if satisfying it would bring harm to the person."

8. "When I love the other, I am saying 'I want you to become what you want to be. I want you to relaize your happiness freely'."

9. "To love the other is to labor for that love, to care for his body, his world, his total well-being."

10. "Love then necessitates a certain personal knowledge of the other."

11. "The temptation is also very great that I may impose my own concept of happiness on the other. I can go on laboring for the happiness of the other, where in reality I am simply fulfilling my own needs."

12. "The other has become an extension of myself and has become absorbed by my own person. If love is not to be become domination, it must be balanced by a certain respect, respect for the uniqueness and otherness of the other.

13. Respect does not mean idolizing a person; it simply means accepting the person as he is, different from myself."

14. "Patience requires a lot of waiting and catching-up, a waiting that is active, ever-ready to answer to needs of the other, and catching up that is spontaneous and natural."

15. "I offer myself to him by placing a limitless trust in the other."

16. "It is compelling, dominating or possessing the other."

17. "Love wants the other's freedom: that the other I come to fulfill and love myself."

18. "The joy i first experience in life is the joy of being loved."

19. "there exist in loving the other the desire to be loved in return."

20. "The desire is essential but should never become the motive for loving, otherwise I am 'loving' the other not for what he is but for what I can get in return, for myself."

21. "The primary motive for loving the other is thus the other himself, the YOU. The 'you' is not a 'he' or 'she' I talk about. The 'you' is not just another self (just a rose among the other roses, a fox among other foxes), but the you-for-whom-I-care. The YOU in love is discovered by the lover himself. It is not that the lover is lover is blind to the objective qualities of the other but that he is clear that the other is over and above his qualities."

22. "The motive of love is the YOU that is seen not only by the eyes or mind but more by the heart. 'I love you because you are beautiful and lovable, and you are beautiful and lovable because you are you."

23. "Since the 'you' is another subjectivity, he is free to accept or reject my offer. This is the risk of loving, that the other may reject or betray the self I have offered to him."

24. "The experience of being rejected can be an emptying of oneself which would allow room in oneself for development. In this sense, an unreciprocated love can still be an enriching experience."

25. "No shop in the world that sells love."

26. "When love is reciprocated, love becomes fruitful, love becomes creative."

27. "The union in love, however, does not involve the loss of identities. The 'I', the 'you' an other. We become more of ourselves by loving each other. This is the paradox in love, the many in one, one in many--poet EE Cummings."

28. "one's not half two it's two that are halves of one."

29. "Love is essentially a disinterested giving of myself to the other as other. The giving in love is not a giving up nor the giving in love the giving of the marketing character because as we have said, in love I do not give in order to get something in return."

30. "To give myself in love is not so much to give of what I have as of what I am and can become."

31. "But why this particular other? Why did I choose you and not some other? Because you are lovable, and you are lovable because you are you. I see a certain value in you, and I want to enhance and be part of that value?"

32. "The value of the other is the value of his being a unique self. In a sense then, everyone is valuable and consequently lovable because everyone is unique, original, irreducible and one of its kind. Thus, if I am capable of loving-this particular person for what he is, I am capable too of loving the others for what they are."

33. "Is easy to love mankind in general but so difficult to love unique individual persons"

34. "TO LOVE IS TO LOVE OTHER HISTORICALLY"

35. "the great thing in friendship is being equal to an inferior"

36. "The 'you' in love is indivisible and thus love is an undivided commitment to the other. it is offered from the totality of my being to the totality of the other's being."

37. "When I make friends with you, I do not say to you, let us be friends only for two year, for as long as we are in the same class. TRUE, friendships can be broken, yet people do not become friends on the understanding that they be friends only for a limited time. Love implies imorlatlity."

38. " in love, we catch a glimpse of eternity."

39. "True friends and lovers share secrets and intimacies not for public consumption."

from Phenomenology of Love by Manuel B. Dy, Jr.

WHAT LOVE IS NOT

40. "our heart is primarily destined to love"

41. "Love is not the same as benevolence because it is not necessary in love that we seek the material benefit of its object. When we love God, for instance, it would be ridiculous to be benevolent to him."
"Love is not"

42. "In fellow-feeling, we can rejoice over A's pleasure over B's misfortune, but in love we evaluate this as not in accordance with A's higher possibilities of being."

43. "Love is not a feeling because feeling is passive or receptive and reactive, whereas love is a spontaneous act and movement."

44. "We first love and only later give reasons for our love"

45. "The heart has its own reasons which reasons itself does not know"

46. "Love is not an intrinsically a social disposition like altruism"

47. ESSENCE OF LOVE

48. "The opposite of love is not hatred but indifference, because hatred like love is also an act and a movement, albeit in the opposite direction. Hatred is a disorder of the heart."

49. "In love, we don't discover values, we discover that everything is more valuable"

50. "Love is an intentional movement from a lower to a higher value of the object loved. Love is basically a movement."

From Max Scheler's Phenomenology of Love by Maneul Dy, Jr.

Ano bang problema??

May ginawa na naman ba ako? Bakit ka ganyan? Minsan OK tayo, tapos bigla ka na lang magbabago and wala na naman...Hindi ko alam kung paano ako kikilos...Tanggap ko naman kung hanggang saan lang talaga tayo (kahit na hindi ko mapigilan yung sarili ko na mahalin ka pa rin...pero I hope, i will soon learn how to UNLOVE you)...Hindi naman ako nagdedemand ng kapalit eh...just allow me let you feel what I want you to feel...just let me do what i am willing to do...masaya naman ako dun eh...martir man, maybe I am just fully aware that love is always wrapped with pain...

Hindi ba pwedeng katulad tayo ng dati..OK naman tayo dati di ba? Iniisip ko tuloy na sana kaya kong bumalik sa nakaraan at baguhin 'yung mga naging hakbang ko noon...Hindi ako sigurado kung mali 'yun dahil naging tapat lang naman ako sa gusto kong sabihin...'Yun yung nararamdaman ko, masama bang sabihin? Alam ko malaki yung magiging pagbabago pagkatapos kong sabihin yun sa'yo, pero hindi ko inakala na ganito kalala...Pwede naman tayong maging friends pa rin di ba?(kung itinuring mo nga akong kaibigan dati). Pero kung hindi naman talaga friend yung naging tingin mo sa akin dati, sabihin mo na lang...At least alam ko kung saan ako magsisimula...Ang hirap kasing mag-assume ng relationship na wala naman pala talaga...

Hell Week...Heaven day.....then, comes loneliness...

Sobrang daming nangyari sa akin last week and sobrang pagod ako...toxic in short!! Sabay-sabay mga long exams kaya rin hindi ako masyadong nakakapag-net and nakakapag-blog...

Wala halos akong tulog for 4 straight days...kasi may exam sa Stat na wala pa akong masyadong alam kaya kailangan kong mag-review from the start...buti na lang nandyan sina Amae para turuan ako....and maganda naman yung naging result kasi pumasa ako...tapos may exam din ako ng Math 195 na wala talaga akong alam kahit ano...kahit nagreview na ako, wala pa rin akong alam...kaya nung nagtest ako, nakatulala lang ako. Buti na lang at may proving ng Intermediate Value Theorem na kabisado ko from Cherryl's notes...hahaha..

But after Friday, nagparty-party lang kami....nagmall kami nila Amae and naglaro sa Time Zone Gateway para naman ma-relax kami after the draining long tests and para na rin i-treat yung sarili namin since we survived our hell week...Then, we went to Shawn's house to really party!!

May inuman and nagdala si Amae ng Gin and Vodka....well, fun yung party but it will be better kung a lot of people came...we had twisters, then rockband, etc...but the most memorable game for me is the card game...

We played Lucky Nine and those who will lose will have a consequence....The most common consequence is body shot...hahahaha...Nung una, hindi ako natatalo and I am really confident na never will I be...(Oh, I forgot to tell you, Kim is also there...kaya I was happier that day)...pero kinakabahan ako not for myself but for Kim. Kasi kapag nataya siya, then kailangan niyang mag-body shot with other person...eh, paano kung guy yung partner niya?? So, I don't want her na mataya...

However, sa isang round ng game, bigla siyang nagreact which signals na nataya siya...then, kinabahan ako...baka kasi guy yung mataya...then, inisip ko, sana ako na lang (naughty? yes of course...pero after kong maisip yun, natawa na lang ako and i feel guilty about it)...then, when i looked into my cards, 20 yung sum ng card ko which means...zero ako...however, i can still get a card....at first, i joke Cherryl na i won't get another card para talo na ako (pero of course that's a joke kasi masyado namang halata yun...kahit na yun yung best way to protect her from other guys, i have to pick another card taking into consideration that other people, which maybe a guy, can also lose and have a body shot with KC....this will really broke my heart)...Then, when i picked a card, it is another 10 and my total score will stil be zero....

At that moment, I don't know what to feel...masaya ako kasi hindi other people yung magko-consequence with her....and aaminin ko na, masaya ako kasi gagawin ko yung consequence with her; it's once in a lifetime...pero na-gi-guilty ako kasi pwede namang girl na lang yung gumawa ng consequence with her para walang malice...pero, of course, we have to do the consequence...she has to lick my chest that has salt and drink water with ketchup ('coz she don't drink alcohol)...At that moment, i feel like everything around me stop and there's only the two of us....I feel like the whole room is in fire, though it is air-conditioned, since I am sweating a lot (I think I'm sweating)...Then, when she licked me, I felt the hotness of her tongue touching my cold body which gives me a great chill...(Just a secret: I don't wash my chest...and i don't really know why...:D)

But it does not end with that! After we did our consequence, we lose again...HIndi ko yun sinadya..promise...it's just fate!! hahaha....pero sobrang nakakatakot yung consequence bacause ako naman yung mag-li-lick...Ang hirap kasi I have to lick her on the chest...well, the part of chest near the neck (not too low)...I don't know what to feel...I am happy but not quite...Of course, it is hard for a guy to do that...I sweat more than before and my whole body is tensed...Then, my friends told me that they should see my tongue as it go through her body...meaning, i have to stick it out longer...I was really hesitant but they are persistent...So, just to end the show, I closed my eyes then stick out my tongue and lick her chest as slow as i can....and of course, drink...(which turns out sensual 'coz imagine, i am licking her with closed eyes...hahaha)

Then, the night has to end because we still have a class the next day (Finance)...I thought the night will end fun...But just before I got home, na-bad-trip ako...Nagselos na naman ako....kasi sobrang close niya kay Nico...I know they have past (kasi may gusto si Nico sa kanya before though sinabi ni KC kay Nico na she doesn't like him)....And worse, wala na si Nico and Dawn which I speculate dahil kay KC (well, I'm not sure pero I am just guessing)....I know wala naman akong rights para magselos...Bakit kami ba?? Pero hindi ko naman kasi mapigilan yung sarili kong magselos eh....Kung kaya ko lang, bakit hindi?? Adik lang talaga ako na I am demanding na sa akin lang siya maging sweet kahit hindi naman kami...I am fencing her away from other guys, though I know she doesn't want me to do it...Sino ba ako? baka nga hindi pa ako umabot sa pagiging "close friend niya" eh...

But I know I can move on...I will just go with the flow...I will hold on to my feeling as long as I can...I know it will go...I will soon be over her...There are lots of people out there and I hope someone will be there for me....Hope someone, out there, will love me and care for me...Hope she will come soon...

Kakapagod

Super nakakapagod yung mga practice namin sa Mathsayaw...pero ok lang...masaya naman...and may nakilala pa akong ibang tao na ka-department/ka-course ko...

bukas na yung presentation...sana maging ok lahat para naman sulit yung pinagpaguran namin...sana walang ma-mental block katulad nung nangyari sa akin sa CADS kasi sobrang nakapanghihinayang yun..

:D

I am now OK!!

Ok na yung pakiramdam ko ngayon...kahapon ng umaga, medyo masama pa pakiramdam ko. Tapos nung pumasok na ako sa Stat, uminom na lang ako ng Biogesic (pang - apat na simula nung gabi) kasabay ng pineapple juice (na pang-apat na rin nung umagang iyon)...

Mas lalong umayos yung pakiramdam ko nung nagpractice na kami ng sayaw...feeling ko nga hinahanap na lang ng katawan ko ang pagsasayaw kaya ako nagkasakit eh...Biruin mo, matapos kong magsayaw, parang nagdahilan lang yung katawan ko..bigla na lang naging OK ako at hindi na ako nilalagnat...akala ko pa naman may A(H1N1) na ako...natakot pa ako, psychological lang naman pala yung dahilan ng sakit ko (hahaha...psychological?? parang galing lang sa mental hospital..)!!

Pero, pasalamat na rin ako at OK na ako...marami pa kasi akong dapat gawin at hindi ko kayang habulin yung mga requirements na yun kung sakaling lumiban ako dahil sa sakit...

:D

Weird girl...

Kanina habang nasa jeep pala ako, may katabi akong babae na mukhang college student..

Tapos, syempre nga may sakit ako, inuubo ako (pero hindi naman malala na parang mamamatay na ako at mauubusan ng hininga dahil sa kauubo) lalo na kapag mausok...Hindi ko naman makuha yung panyo ko kasi nasa likod na bulsa ng pantalon ko at siksikan sa jeep...kaya kapag uubo ako, tinatakpan ko na lang ng kamay ko..

Ito naman babae, medyo nangingiti siya at tumitingin sa akin...Hindi ko alam kung bakit...tapos, isang beses, naubo ulit ako dahil na rin sa usok ng mga sasakyan...nakatingin siya sa akin (nakita ko sa peripheral vision ko) kaya tumingin ako sa kanya...tapos, iniabot niya yung panyong ginagamit niya sa akin at sinabing "Gusto mo?" with smile pa...na-wirdohan ako...sa loob-loob ko "HUH??!!"....and napatingin lang ako sa kanya...Nang ma-realize siguro niya na mukhang may mali sa ginawa niya, nag-sorry siya at sabi niya, "Ay, joke lang pala"...hay!! adik talaga...tapos tumalikod na siya sa akin at nakikita ko na tumatawa siya..

WEIRD talaga!!

A(H1N1)

I am sick!!


Nakakaasar na sakit 'to...nakakaparanoid...inuubo ako at nilalagnat..tapos may sore throat pa ako nung last week...yun nga lang wala akong diarrhea and hindi rin ako nagsusuka...


Sana dahil lang ito sa pagod...ayokong magpa-quarantine ng 10 days...ang haba nun...ang dami kong mamimiss...


sana hindi naman 'to swine flu...

Kinakabahan ako..

Auditions ko bukas sa CADS...first auditions ko ito and sana pumasa ako kasi eto yung gusto kong gawin..ang sumayaw..

Nakakakaba pero nakaka-excite din kung tutuusin...first time ko kasing magkakaroon ng formal auditions...unang pagdanas kung paano kabahan sa auditions, paano hindi makatulog kasi iniisip kung ano ang mangyayari bukas, paano isasabay ang quiz sa finance sa pag-iisip tungkol sa pagsayaw, at marami pang unang pagdanas na hindi kayang ipaliwanag ng mga salita lamang..

I just hope all of this will turn to be okay...and if I didn't pass, there is always a second chance...at least I am not a loser na hindi itinuloy yung gusto kong gawin...and at least I already experienced it...gagawin ko kung ano yung gusto ko, bearing in mind what are the consequences of my decisions will be...This is my passion, this is my dream and I think it is right to pursue what I want...

God will always be there with me...let His will be done and I know He has great plans for me...If CADS is for me, then it is...but if it's not, maybe He has better plans for me and He has reasons why I wasn't accepted..

But for now, I am claiming that I will pass tomorrow's auditions and I will be a CADs' member...

Good luck for me and God Bless..

:D

Scene from the movie "Good Will Hunting"

This is a video sent by my Philosphy teacher which is related to one of our topics in class - "Danasin Mo"

The scene is from the movie, Good Will Hunting. The court ordered
Will (Matt Damon) to go to Sean (Robin Williams) for counseling after
figuring in a brawl. Will saw a painting hanged on Sean's wall and
gave the doctor a quick psychoanalysis. The next day, they met in a
park and here's what Sean has to say:



Sean: Thought about what you said to me the other day, about my
painting. Stayed up half the night thinking about it. Something
occurred to me... fell into a deep peaceful sleep, and haven't thought
about you since. Do you know what occurred to me?
Will: No.
Sean: You're just a kid, you don't have the faintest idea what you're
talkin' about.
Will: Why thank you.
Sean: It's all right. You've never been out of Boston.
Will: Nope.
Sean: So if I asked you about art, you'd probably give me the skinny
on every art book ever written. Michelangelo, you know a lot about
him. Life's work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual
orientations, the whole works, right? But I'll bet you can't tell me
what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never actually stood
there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling; seen that. If I ask you
about women, you'd probably give me a syllabus about your personal
favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can't tell
me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy.
You're a tough kid. And I'd ask you about war, you'd probably throw
Shakespeare at me, right, "once more unto the breach dear friends."
But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's
head in your lap, watch him gasp his last breath looking to you for
help. I'd ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But
you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known
someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an
angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of
hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have
that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer.
And you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room
for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in
your eyes, that the terms "visiting hours" don't apply to you. You
don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved
something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you've ever dared
to love anybody that much. And look at you... I don't see an
intelligent, confident man... I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But
you're a genius Will. No one denies that. No one could possibly
understand the depths of you. But you presume to know everything about
me because you saw a painting of mine, and you ripped my fucking life
apart. You're an orphan right?
[Will nods]
Sean: You think I know the first thing about how hard your life has
been, how you feel, who you are, because I read Oliver Twist? Does
that encapsulate you? Personally... I don't give a shit about all
that, because you know what, I can't learn anything from you, I can't
read in some fuckin' book. Unless you want to talk about you, who you
are. Then I'm fascinated. I'm in. But you don't want to do that do you
sport? You're terrified of what you might say. Your move, chief.

Paglimot

Sasabihin mong tao kang palaging may saan at kailan. Kapag naiwan mo na ang isang saan, at nakalipas na ang isang kailan, karapatan mo nang limutin at itapon na parang gula-gulanit na baro, sa basurahan ng iyong alaala: at tumakas sa bagong saan at kailan. Sinasabi ko sa iyo na may pangyayaring sumisigaw sa kaloob-looban mo at,dinggin mo man o hindi, ang saan at kailan nito’y magiging dito at ngayon mo, magpakailan man.

- Fr. Roque Ferriols

Pagpapaalala...

Minsan, gusto na nating kalimutan ang mga bagay sapagkat mas nakabubuti ito kaysa masaktan tayo habang patuloy na bumabalik sa ating gunita ang mga alaalang masakit mang tanggapin ay isa pa ring katotohanan. Ngunit kahit anumang ating gawin, wala sa ating kakayahan ang paglimot o kung naroon man, hindi natin ninanais bitiwan ang mga alaala sapagkat anumang sakit ang dulot ng mga ito sa atin, may kaligayahan pa ring bumubukal dito. Hindi ito pagkamartir sapagkat sa aking pag-unawa, ang pagiging martir ay pagtanggap sa sakit maski labag man ito sa ating kagustuhan o maski wala itong kaligayahang dulot sa atin. Ngunit para sa akin, ang pag-alaala sa mga gunitang ito, masakit mang tanggapin ang katotohanang isinisiwalat, ay nagbubunga ng kaligayahang pinili kong siyasatin at angkinin maging kaakibat nito ang sakit. Pinili kong indahin ang sakit kapalit ng tuwang sinisiyasat ng aking puso.

Ilang malalapot na kataga mula sa klase ng Pilosopiya

"Kapag nasabi na ang lahat ng masasabi, ang pinakamahalaga ay hindi pa rin nasasabi" - Fr. Roque Ferriols

"Manipis ang kataga upang ilarawan ang kakapalan ng karanasan" - Geoffrey Guevara

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Malimit na nakatuon ang tao sa pagsagot sa mga tanong na humihingi ng tiyak na kasagutan (halimbawa: depinisyon). Sa ganitong mga pagkakataon, minsan ay nanlulumo tayo kapag hindi natin maapuhap ang sagot na ating ninanais. Naiinis tayo, nagagalit, naiirita, nalulungkot sa mga pagkakataong nilalagak natin ang mga sarili sa sitwasyon na sa tingin natin ay hindi natin maunawaan dahil wala tayong tiyak na kasagutang pinanghahawakan. Ngunit hindi ba mas maganda minsan na tanggapin nating hindi natin kailangang unawain (kung ang pang-unawa nga ay pagsagot sa tanong na ANO)ang lahat? Ang pag-unawa ay ating desisyon na siyang marapat na magbunga ng kaligayahan at kaganapan sa ating buhay. Kung hindi nagdudulot sa atin ng kaligayahan ang isang paghahanp, maaari tayong tumigil pansumandali at isipin kung ninanais pa ba nating ipagpatuloy ang pagsasaliksik, pagmamasid at paghahanap. O mas marapat na tayo'y tumigil na lamang sa puntong alam na natin na may alam tayo sa halip na alamin kung ano itong ating nalalaman. Minsan, sapat ng alam natin na nauunawaan natin ang mga bagay kahit na hindi natin alam kung paano patutunayan, gamit ang mga kataga, na may alam nga tayo. Minsan kasi, mas madaling umunawa at gumawa ng mga bagay sa halip na limitahan ang kaganapang nito gamit ang mga kataga. Ang mas mahalaga ay ang katotohanang kaya kong umunawa, kung ako nga ang gustong umunawa, sa kabila ng limitado kong kakayahan na patunayan sa iba na akin talagang ito nauunawaan.

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"Mas mabuting gawin muna bago alamin kung ano" - Fr. Ferriols

Mas madaling maunawaan ang mga bagay sa mundo kung itinutulak natin ang ating mga sarili na danasin ang mga ito. Gayun nga lamang, kinakailangan din ng kataga upang magbunga ng pagkilos at paggawa. Mahalaga ang mga kataga, kahit hindi ito sapat, upang magsagawa ng pagkilos at maunawaan ang mga bagay-bagay. Hindi man kayang sakupin ng mga kataga ang kabuuan ng isang bagay o ideya, ito ay isang mahalagang instrumento ng umuunawa upang makaunawa. Sa bawat pagnanais na kumilos, may mga katagang ibinubuga ang mga labi upang sindihan ang ating karanasan at maunawaan ang paggawa matapos magdesisyon na isagawa ang naunawaan.

Pagbabalik

Matagal na rin akong hindi nakakapag-blog sa account kong ito. Marahil dahil na rin sa sobrang dami ng electronic accounts ko at sa limitadong oras na maaari kong ilaan sa pag-che-check ng account. Siguro dahil na rin sa napakaraming gawain sa paaralan kaya hindi ako gaanong makapagsulat.


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Marami nang pangyayari ang naganap sa akin mula ng pumasok ako sa Ateneo. Marami na ring pagbabago ang umusbong sa buhay ko. Pero hindi ko na matutukoy ang lahat ng pagbabagong ito sa aking sarili. Sapagkat hindi ko na matukoy kung ano ako noon na kaiba sa kung ano ako ngayon. Hindi ko na mawari ang kalikasang nabago na ng panahon. Hindi ko na kayang tukuyin ng masinsinan kung ano ako noon sapagkat iba na ako ngayon. Hindi ko kayang malaman ang kaibahan sapagkat hindi ko na kayang balikan ang nakaraan upang danasin muli ang magkatulad na pagdanas. At kung sakali mang bumalik nga ako sa nakaraan, sa nakaraang nagdulot ng ngayon, hindi rin ako nakatitiyak na ang kahapon ay katulad ng lumipas nang kahapon. Ang tanging alam ko lamang ay malay ako sa pagbabagong naganap sa buhay ko. Hindi na gaanong mahalaga na malaman ang pagbabago, sapat na ang pagtanaw at pag-unawa sa kaibahan ng noon at ngayon.

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Hindi ako palaging malay sa aking damdamin. Marahil ay dahil na rin sa hindi payak ang mga damdaming nararamdaman ng tao. Malimit ay hindi iisa ang ating nararamdaman sa isang tiyak na panahon. Madalas na halu-halo ang ating nadarama at ang minsang trahedya pa nito ay magkasalungat ang damdaming lantad sa magkasabay na panahon. Katulad na lamang ng pangyayari kahapon - ang akala kong masayang araw ay nagtapos bilang isang malungkot na pangyayari.

Noong una, masaya naman talaga at intensyong maging masaya ang araw na iyon. Selebrasyon kasi ng kaarawan ng kaibigan ko. Pumunta kami sa Star City at sumakay ng kung anu-anong mga rides. Maaaring masaya kung iisipin ngunit hindi ko mawari kung kaligayahan nga ang dapat kong maramdaman. Hindi kasi ako mahilig sa adventure kung ang pah-uusapan ay carnivals and amusement park. Madali kasi akong mahilo at matakot sa mga matataas na lugar. Hindi ko rin gustong nababaligtad ang mga parte ng katawan ko (halimbawa ay napupunta sa ibaba ang aking ulo sa halip na ang paa ko). Gayunpaman, kailangan kong maging masaya sapagkat iyon ang idinidikta ng panahon at pangyayari sa kabila ng kaba at takot na isinusulong naman ng aking likas na damdamin. Ngunit, hindi lamang iyon ang kalituhang hinarap ko kahapon. Isa lamang pala iyong prologo na nakalakip sa mas malaking kalituhan at balintuna nang araw na iyon.

Maaari ko nang tanggapin na masaya ang karanasan ko noong panahong iyon sa kabila ng pagiging KJ ko sapagkat isang "challenging" ride lamang ang aking sinakyan sapagkat kasama ko naman ang mga kaibigan ko at nasiyahan naman ako sa ibang pamamaraan. Gayun nga lamang, hindi sa kaligayahan nagtapos ang aking damdamin. Mabilis ang pagbabago ng emosyon ng tao na siyang dinadama ng pisikal nating aspekto. Sa hindi matukoy na tiyak na kadahilanan, nagalit ako. Nainis ako. Nabuwisit ako. Nairita ako. Nagkagalit kami ng kaibigan ko sa hindi ko matukoy na kadahilanan. Hindi ko matukoy ang ugat ng aking damdamin sa kabila ng lantad na katotohanang naganap bago ko nadama ang kasalukuyang damdamin. Alam kong may nadarama ako at alam ko kung ano ang nararamdaman ko (kahit na hindi gaano kalinaw ang aking pagkaunawa sa aking damdamin), ngunit hindi ko matukoy ang pinag-uugatan ng aking damdamin.

Nagagalit ako ngayon ng walang rason at kung mayroon man, hindi ako mulat kung ano iyon. Nagagalit ako bago ko pa man malaman ang dahilan ng aking pagkagalit. Pero maaari ring alam ko kung bakit ako nagagalit ngunit hindi ko lamang matukoy gamit ang mga salita kung bakit. Maaari ring alam ng salita kung ano ngunit hindi kayang intindihin ng aking pang-unawa. Maraming posibilidad ngunit laging walang katiyakan. Ngunit bakit mahalaga para sa akin ang katiyakan ng aking damdamin? Bakit kailangan kong bigyan ng kadahilanan ang mga bagay-bagay sa aking buhay? Hindi ba maaaring ganito sapagkat ganito lamang o kaya ganoon sapagkat ganoon? Bakit kailangang alamin ang mga sagot? Hindi ba sapat na malamang mayroong sagot sapagkat may tanong? Na umiiral ang sagot sa pag-unawang palaging may tanong? Hindi ba maaaring tanggapin ang mga bagay dahil (hanggang 'dun lang)?

Pilosopiya

Sasabihin mong tao kang palaging may saan at kailan. Kapag naiwan mo na ang isang saan, at nakalipas na ang isang kailan, karapatan mo nang limutin at itapon na parang gula-gulanit na baro, sa basurahan ng iyong alaala: at tumakas sa bagong saan at kailan. Sinasabi ko sa iyo na may pangyayaring sumisigaw sa kaloob-looban mo at,dinggin mo man o hindi, ang saan at kailan nito’y magiging dito at ngayon mo, magpakailan man.

-Fr. Ferriols

hope this vacation to end soon

i'm bored..

it's our summer vacation until next week...


i don't have anything to do at home...of course, other than eating and sleeping..


i can't stay home this long...i need to go somewhere...and enjoy..


i hope this vacation to end sooner...though i am so exhausted and tired during school days...at least i'm not bored....


i can bear weariness but not boredom....so please, take me out of this vacation...


moreover, i miss a lot of people...my friends and classmates...well, sometimes my teachers (but not too often)....i miss hanging out at McDo, Jollibee (though we always go there)....i miss lots of things...


and most importantly, i miss HER....i don't have an opportunity to see her since it's vacation...she's away from me...thousand miles away (it's exaggerated!)...

Grades....Grades....Grades

haiizt....


i thought i did a good job this sem...


i thought i could reach at least a QPI of 3..


but, no!!


grrr...


i didn't expect this..


i hate this sem...


all my hopes are gone..


when will i be contented with my grades???


PS

but the good thing is....i didn't fail any subject....and i didn't get even a D...but duh?!! who wants mediocre grades??

shout out..

It's hard to take a big leap

when you know that you can't trust the ground to be always there





catching you...

REFLECTION...

“If you could turn back the time and change one event in your life, what would it be?”

When this question was first asked to me, I confidently say I have none. It doesn’t mean that I have a perfect life but it’s just that I am contented to the life I have. I have good relationships to people and I don’t have much regrets on my past decisions. Moreover, the mistakes that I made may not be corrected but at least can be forgiven. However, after a certain situation happened to me these past few days, I think I have to examine my life further. I think there is one specific event in my life that I may want to change.

The whole story started about two years ago when I joined an organization named SERVICE (Student Enthusiast Rendering Vision and Impact on Competitive Education). This organization, under the supervision of Pathways to Higher Education, runs a tutorial program every summer for the middle-sectioned public high school students of Marikina. I joined this organization because as a Pathways scholar, I feel a strong responsibility in my community and the Pathways itself and I consider SERVICE as an opportunity to “pay-it-forward”. Moreover, since I spent my six years of grade school and four years of my high school in public school though I am tired of its not-so-good system, I want to serve as a catalyst of change and uplift the quality of public high school education that I had experienced. Other than that, one of the big factors that boost my enthusiasm in joining SERVICE is the fact that most of my friends are also joining. I think that it’ll be fun and efficient since I won’t be doing anything on summer. The whole summer passed gently and smoothly. I become very active in SERVICE that I eventually run as Marketing and Finance Officer for the next summer due to the encouragement of my friends and past elected officers. Then, the summer ended, it was my first year in college, new officers of SERVICE were elected, and I was the new Marketing and Finance Officer.

At first, I think my work will be hard but I never thought it’ll be this hard. The officers of SERVICE, whom I thought I know well and whom I thought I have a good relationship with, seem to look down on me. They always thought that I am too young for the position, too incompetent, and too unskilled to be in the position. Struggles and hardships started from the program planning itself and becoming worse as the summer approach. I serve as their puppet trying to do what they tell me to do just to please each and every one of them since if I made my own decisions, it is a big issue among the officers again. I work when they say I have to work and stop when they say to stop thinking that they are just training me and helping me cope with my task as officer of the group. I thought they are helping and guiding me to know my job well as the Marketing and Finance Officer. However, I realize that it is not. When the summer is almost there, the real big problem occurred. SERVICE is not yet well prepared for the summer and the main reason all the officers is blaming is me. They said that I haven’t raised enough money yet and that I haven’t had a concrete plan on what to do. I admit it is true that I haven’t raised enough money yet but it is because they told me to not move until they passed their budget proposals, got the list of companies to contact, etc. I was blamed for doing the task they told me to do. Moreover, the SERVICE president resigned and according to the organization’s constitution, I will be the officer-in-charge. Since there isn’t enough time to elect a new president, I soon become the president – a person in-charge of guiding all the officers, who are all much older and superior than me, to accomplish the goal of the organization.

As the president of SERVICE for the whole school year, I can never tell I have an easy time. Every second of the day, other than my academic concerns, I am thinking of what to do for SERVICE, what to update, and what to accomplish. But more than that, the greatest problem I encountered and what stressed me most is how to make all the officers obey or at the very least listen to me. I am the youngest of them all who are contented of doing what they order me to do. I am contented of listening and doing what they order me to do. They never thought me as a superior person who can give a strong call of order though I always try. For them, I am just a freshman college student who is currently coping with his new environment, neophyte, and incompetent to lead. As the quote said, “First impression lasts” and it really lasts. They see me as how they see me before. Then, the summer started with lots of issues and ended with a lot more issues. The summer classes lack fund, the graduation is not presentable, and the officers had bad relationships and experiences during the summer. In short, SERVICE on my administration is considered a failure, even though I tried my best and pushed myself beyond my limitations, and I was the only one to blame.

People literally blame me for how “trashy”, as they call it, the SERVICE has become. Pathways officers told me I am the leader and I was suppose to lead them. They told me that I may be too young to handle this big organization but in a positive view, it is an opportunity for me to grow as a leader and as a person. However, I thought it was easy for them to say because they are not me – they are not the neophyte, incompetent, unskilled and immature person SERVICE’s officer is looking down to. They are who they are. They are respected by these people and obeyed by them. It’s them but not me. They do not know how I tried to go out of my comfort zone and try to approach them in the most courteous way that I can do. They do not know how hard it is to sacrifice my time, which I should be spending reading my notes and reviewing for my long exams, and that I almost fail one subject. They do not know all of that. What they just know is that I am an always smiling person who seems to not care on what is happening to the organization. They always say that I don’t say anything when I am being scolded by them, which looks like I am being oblivious or apathetic on what bad things are happening around me. That’s what they know. They do not know that smiling makes me hide the shame, fear, anger, and disappointment I feel inside. In the first place, it’s not all my fault. I tried my best but no one’s cooperating. I thought that I will be supported by those people who said they will; but no. I was left alone, trapped in the situation I don’t want to be in, where no one wants to lend a hand and help me rise from this pit of problems. I am just young then and I have to learn a lot but no one’s teaching me. I have to learn everything by my own without any guide from anyone. So how will I ever learn the thing they told me to know?

After I several meetings, evaluation of the program, and reconciliation, everything becomes alright. Or I just thought it was. I become part of the Pathways volunteer group where some of the SERVICE officers also joined. I was again a Marketing and Finance Officer and a tutor in Chemistry in Payatas Area. SERVICE issues are still alive but people are just making fun of those. Some of them joke about it and refer to me as if teasing me. I also laugh but sometimes I think their jokes are becoming more personal and more frequent. I just ignore them though I am hurt. My one whole year in Pathways run fairly well with some occurrence of unsettled problems of SERVICE. I thought everything is fine and that I now renew myself and that I can now start with a clean sheet of paper; but it’s not. People’s eyes are always on me. They watch my every work and see if it has flaws. They always tell me, “Marami ka pang dapat bawiin. Kailangan mo pang bumawi sa amin.” I was hurt with those statements. I work hard but I don’t feel that they recognize the effort I exerted. I am always trapped on fulfilling their expectations, which I can never reach. There comes a point wherein I really want to quit and just let them think what they want to think of me. But I tell to myself, “Just do what you think is best regardless of you achieve their expectation or not. In that case, you need not to either blame yourself or them.”

However, I wasn’t resilient enough to just take in all the harsh comments of people without reflecting on them. I am a person and I have limitations too. I have feeling that can be hurt and a pride that can be wounded. I reached my limitations a few days ago when a Pathways staff told me a statement I will never forget. I, together with other two people, was asked to do a certain task for the Seniors’ Farewell Party in Pathways. However, I did a lot of things and haven’t done the task assigned to me. Moreover, only one person is doing our task since the other person has also other things to do. So he told me to just go to the party’s venue to help them decorate the place but I was from the Pathways graduation in Marikina. I am part of the program and I can’t go earlier. Moreover, I have to change my clothes since the party is semi-formal. I know I have a fault and he has the right to be angry at me because I did inform him earlier. However, I was really hurt when he said to me in front of all the Pathways volunteers, “Hindi ka na ba nadala sa SERVICE mo? Alam ko na ngang wala kang kredibilidad dito sa Pathways pero binigyan pa rin kita ng pagkakataong bumawi. Pero ano? Ganito pa rin ang gagawin mo?”. I felt a mixed emotion at that moment. I don’t know if I will cry; pretend that it’s nothing; be angry with him; or be ashamed on what happened. All I know is that I am standing there in front of lots of people and not knowing what to do. At that moment, flashback starts. I think of how I join SERVICE, how my life change after joining SERVICE, how people’s perception of me changed after the failure I did in the past, how the people hid their comment on SERVICE issues on their everyday jokes, and how I felt so irresponsible person.

I thought, SERVICE is a resolved issue in the past; but it’s not. I am still living in the memory of the past. I cannot move forward because the past is pulling me back. I am fulfilling the failure I made in the past that can never be fulfilled. I am doing what is expected of me and not what I really want and can. I thought everything is alright but now I realized that it will never be alright until people understand what forgiveness means. After hearing those statements, I felt that I am not forgiven and that a great burden is still on my back. I can never turn back the time and erase the failures I made.

I am holding back my tears when Ate Wenky, a Pathways volunteer approached me and asked me if I am OK. She told me that I shouldn’t be treated like that. Moreover, she told me that she was very proud of me. She told me that when she first met me, I was teaching my students Chemistry. She was wandering in the area when she noticed me teaching enthusiastically. She said that she enjoyed my class and started to sit and listen to my lecture. At that moment, she said to herself that I really have a great passion in helping my students and she was inspired of me. When she said all of that, I didn’t notice that my tears began to fall. I can’t hold the back anymore. It was my first time to be appreciated and be recognized. It was the first time that a person told me that she’s proud of me; even I, myself, have never been proud of what I have done. In that moment, I realized that there are still people believing in me despite the failure I made. Most people might judge me based on the past failures I made, but the are still people who see the accomplishments I made.

Expectations are good to fulfill but not to the cost of losing your own passion and happiness in doing a certain thing. Fulfilling the expectations of people without considering yourself is the greatest failure a person can commit. When you submit yourself on what is expected but not what you wanted, you will soon find yourself not contented and disappointed on all the things you made. Doing your best, enjoying what you are doing, and being you true self allows an output that exceeds what is expected.

So, if I will be asked the question, “If you could turn back the time and change one event in your life, what would it be?”, I think my answer is still none. There might be some dark regions in my past but that add up to the colorful life I have now. Hard times make me stronger and help me grow as a person. It also makes me appreciate more the important people I have in life and tests who are those people that I can trust and rely on in times of troubles. Moreover, even though SERVICE experience is hard and gloomy, I can still say that I really had a good times fulfilling my main goal in joining SERVICE which is to help my students in their academic and personal life. I am also happy that some of them are inspired by the goal of SERVICE. Though I have conflicts with the officers of SERVICE, some are not yet resolved up to now, I also had true friends there. I still find true comforts in times where my hopes are almost gone. And I want to thank God for that – for giving me a balanced taste of bitter-sweet.

For you....

i don't really know what i am feeling right now...



i'm in the midst of confusion and certainty...don't know what to believe in and what to doubt...



i want to be happy but happiness itself makes me sad...



i am happy when i think of you but the thought of you makes me feel empty and alone...



i miss you but seeing you don't suffice to fill the gap between us...
we're from opposite worlds....we're from different generations....we're from diverse cultures...



i think i want you but the rules don't allow me....i think i love you but the odds just don't want believe it...i think i want to be with you but the space between us hinders me....i think i want to tell you all i really feel but bravery fails me....



i want to eradicate these doubts i feel and just say....



i want to break the rules and say i want you......face the odds and express my sincere love for you....to bridge the space between us and stay forever by your side....and finally, be brave enough to conquer my fear of sharing my whole self with you.....




now,





can you ever save a man's love in the middle of these conundrums by saying....



......





........




"YES! I love you too..."?

Thinking Of You by Katy Perry

*It's cool*

Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one
I still got the seed

You said move on
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes

You're like an Indian summer
In the middle of winter
Like a hard candy
With a surprise center
How do I get better
Once I've had the best
You said there's
Tons of fish in the water
So the water I will test

He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into...

You're the best
And yes I do regret
How I could let myself
Let you go
Now the lesson's learned
I touched it I was burned
Oh I think you should know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Oh won't you walk through
And bust in the door
And take me away
Oh no more mistakes
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay...

Love Story by Taylor Swift

*I love this song...*

We were both young when I first saw you
I close my eyes
And the flashback starts
I'm standing there
On a balcony in summer air

See the lights
See the party, the ball gowns
I see you make your way through the crowd
And say hello, little did I know

That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
And I was crying on the staircase
Begging you please don't go, and I said

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes

So I sneak out to the garden to see you
We keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew
So close your eyes
Escape this town for a little while

'Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
But you were everything to me
I was begging you please don't go and I said

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes

Romeo save me, they try to tell me how to feel
This love is difficult, but it's real
Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess
It's a love story baby just say yes
Oh oh

I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you is fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town, and I said

Romeo save me I've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head? I don't know what to think
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring

And said, marry me Juliet
You'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress
It's a love story baby just say yes

Oh, oh, oh, oh
'Cause we were both young when I first saw you

It is the day when i started to hate the things i like...

hay!

you know i am not a studious type of person...not even a geek, nerd or other parallel terms to that...

but of course sometimes i really exert efforts in my studies...and that is on a very rare circumstances....i exert effort on those few subjects that i really like....however, sometimes our hardworks do not necessarily mean a good outcome...sometimes, if you would look at it, it is not fair....it is not always like math where you are supposed to equate a certain amount of hardworks into an equal amount of benefits....sometimes you will learn to accept that equality does not prevail...

i am just so disappointed this day....very disappointed!! imagine, i can only push myself to study almost once in a blue moon!!! and you know what?? it was not paid back fairly....i know i haven't done my best since i am not copying notes, sometimes cutting my class, studying just days (or even hours before) but i am really serious this time when i study for my Chemistry long exam......

i am not a very good student but definitely not a bad one....i, at least sometimes, know how to be serious in my studies.....but i am usually exerting efforts on those subjects that i know i can have fairly well grades....since, i think, if i work hard on it, it will at least compensate with those subject that i am really bad at.....and imagine, this semester, there is only one subject that i think can at least lift my QPI while there are at least three subject that are pulling it down.....but now, what?? i think it is only a false hope...


Chemistry is one of the subjects i really enjoy during my high school days....actually, even until when i entered college.....i am actually excited to take Chemistry as my natsci since last semester....however, everything changed after this day's long exam....i somehow feel like i do not like to study chem...the enthusiasm i have all faded away....


GRRRRRRRRRRRR....................................
.....................................


I just can't accept that i do not answer some of the questions in the long exam.... i study hard for this long exam (even though i just started yesterday evening i can honestly say that i study hard)......I just can't accept that the major cause of not finishing the long exam is the time constraint and not because the exam is too hard.....it is easy to accept if you didn't answer the long exam because you actually don't know the answer but if the reason is you just lack time to answer (and the fact that you know how to get the answer) it is really frustrating!!! It is really frustrating to know that you didn't finish the exam because of your inconsiderate teacher who thinks all of her students are like machines that can print their answers to a 16 item test (10 multiple choices type of question and 6 long problem solving with at least 5 sub-question each number) with complete solution in just 50 minutes.... what are we, computers?? SHOOT!!! Can't she consider the fact that we are humans who think first before writing anything on our test papers and not a machine that has a very minimal lapses in processing data and can give her a page of solution in a blink of an eye??? Can she even solve it in 50 minutes?? I DON"T THINK SO!!! In class, she actually solve the problems very slow....She have to do it step-by-step and in a very slow pacing.....And now, in our long exam, she wants us to solve on the very extreme opposite of her problem-solving-speed in class??!!! How dare her!!



I should now bid goodbye to my dream finals exemption in Chemistry!! It's really sad and frustrating....to know that all of a sudden the things you tried to construct falls down right in front of you....to know that the puzzle pieces you once enthusiastically putting together are now left undone.....to know that the things you once like are now the things you want to forget....

After the long draining weeks...

hahaha...

i am now happy...free...and relaxed....

at last, i don't need to do anything important today....it's been a long time since i last stare onto nothingness and think of the essence of every single detail of my life...

i love staring without thinking of anything...it's like refreshing your mind after it was soaked into the stresses of the earth.... it's like you are cleansing or reformatting your mind....and it's cool....and i really my find inner peace...

hope i'm always like this....thinking of the most important thing to be aware of...."NOTHING"!!





i feel attach with nothingness....i feel like i can always associate nothingness with myself....When I say "Nothingness", it doesn't mean i think i am useless, nonsense, and the like...

nothingness, for me, is not emptiness but rather abundance...nothingness means more rather than less...nothingness means best rather than worst....it is seeing beyond the empirical truth but rather transcends towards the infinite wisdom.....it's hoping on things beyond what reality can grasp....

nothingness is the urge that pushes the limit towards infinity......it's becoming broader, wider, better, and greater....it cannot be corrupted by the 4 corners of reality....


nothingness is when you close your eyes and see nothing....but the emptiness doesn't stay empty because when you close your eyes you can see better....you can see more things....because when you close your eyes and see the empty black space in your head, you are more free to think of anything....you are more liberated to fill the emptiness with the things you wanted to see....you are beyond your existence....beyond the finite reality.....


and that's how i see myself....the world might see me empty but i should always see myself full of wonderful things.....my empty space is full of love...however, i am just oblivious....


God loves me unconditionally....and that transforms nothingness into affluence....

Dare to defy

It has been a long time since i last visited this blogspot....

I've been very busy for the last few days due to academic requirements, which are always my problems, and due to some personal problems...

Even we had our vacation, a lapse, for us to refresh our already over-exhausted minds (and bodies) i think i haven't recovered yet...I feel that my overall being just become more sensitive of the exhaustion i already have even before...

Moreover, when i get back to school after the vacation, the issues, problems, conflicts, burdens, etc. are still the same obstacles i faced before...and i am frustrated because of that...

Maybe because I am expecting more than the achievable reality....maybe i am expecting that after the vacation everything will start with a clean sheet of paper and everything that was left unsettled before will just be scrapped out...and of course that will not what happen in reality...i should always go through the unsettled issues of my life and learn that even the most awarding novel had gone through being written on a crumpled and dirty scratch paper...i just have to believe that it is possible if i just put all the efforts that i can give...

I always feel that my life is shallow....that i am living in the nearest "present time" possible....i don't reflect much on what will my life be after a couple of days, weeks, months and even years....i am always living in the present (that's why i always cram)....but i always want a change however, i can't....maybe i am just used to it that i can't detach myself to this attitude....i always try but i always fail..

Hope i will change....hope i can defy the current og my life...

hope i can defy my problems, obstacles, burdens, issues and conflicts..

i hope i can defy the USUAL ME!!