It's hard to take a big leap
when you know that you can't trust the ground to be always there
catching you...
Friday, March 20, 2009
REFLECTION...
“If you could turn back the time and change one event in your life, what would it be?”
When this question was first asked to me, I confidently say I have none. It doesn’t mean that I have a perfect life but it’s just that I am contented to the life I have. I have good relationships to people and I don’t have much regrets on my past decisions. Moreover, the mistakes that I made may not be corrected but at least can be forgiven. However, after a certain situation happened to me these past few days, I think I have to examine my life further. I think there is one specific event in my life that I may want to change.
The whole story started about two years ago when I joined an organization named SERVICE (Student Enthusiast Rendering Vision and Impact on Competitive Education). This organization, under the supervision of Pathways to Higher Education, runs a tutorial program every summer for the middle-sectioned public high school students of Marikina. I joined this organization because as a Pathways scholar, I feel a strong responsibility in my community and the Pathways itself and I consider SERVICE as an opportunity to “pay-it-forward”. Moreover, since I spent my six years of grade school and four years of my high school in public school though I am tired of its not-so-good system, I want to serve as a catalyst of change and uplift the quality of public high school education that I had experienced. Other than that, one of the big factors that boost my enthusiasm in joining SERVICE is the fact that most of my friends are also joining. I think that it’ll be fun and efficient since I won’t be doing anything on summer. The whole summer passed gently and smoothly. I become very active in SERVICE that I eventually run as Marketing and Finance Officer for the next summer due to the encouragement of my friends and past elected officers. Then, the summer ended, it was my first year in college, new officers of SERVICE were elected, and I was the new Marketing and Finance Officer.
At first, I think my work will be hard but I never thought it’ll be this hard. The officers of SERVICE, whom I thought I know well and whom I thought I have a good relationship with, seem to look down on me. They always thought that I am too young for the position, too incompetent, and too unskilled to be in the position. Struggles and hardships started from the program planning itself and becoming worse as the summer approach. I serve as their puppet trying to do what they tell me to do just to please each and every one of them since if I made my own decisions, it is a big issue among the officers again. I work when they say I have to work and stop when they say to stop thinking that they are just training me and helping me cope with my task as officer of the group. I thought they are helping and guiding me to know my job well as the Marketing and Finance Officer. However, I realize that it is not. When the summer is almost there, the real big problem occurred. SERVICE is not yet well prepared for the summer and the main reason all the officers is blaming is me. They said that I haven’t raised enough money yet and that I haven’t had a concrete plan on what to do. I admit it is true that I haven’t raised enough money yet but it is because they told me to not move until they passed their budget proposals, got the list of companies to contact, etc. I was blamed for doing the task they told me to do. Moreover, the SERVICE president resigned and according to the organization’s constitution, I will be the officer-in-charge. Since there isn’t enough time to elect a new president, I soon become the president – a person in-charge of guiding all the officers, who are all much older and superior than me, to accomplish the goal of the organization.
As the president of SERVICE for the whole school year, I can never tell I have an easy time. Every second of the day, other than my academic concerns, I am thinking of what to do for SERVICE, what to update, and what to accomplish. But more than that, the greatest problem I encountered and what stressed me most is how to make all the officers obey or at the very least listen to me. I am the youngest of them all who are contented of doing what they order me to do. I am contented of listening and doing what they order me to do. They never thought me as a superior person who can give a strong call of order though I always try. For them, I am just a freshman college student who is currently coping with his new environment, neophyte, and incompetent to lead. As the quote said, “First impression lasts” and it really lasts. They see me as how they see me before. Then, the summer started with lots of issues and ended with a lot more issues. The summer classes lack fund, the graduation is not presentable, and the officers had bad relationships and experiences during the summer. In short, SERVICE on my administration is considered a failure, even though I tried my best and pushed myself beyond my limitations, and I was the only one to blame.
People literally blame me for how “trashy”, as they call it, the SERVICE has become. Pathways officers told me I am the leader and I was suppose to lead them. They told me that I may be too young to handle this big organization but in a positive view, it is an opportunity for me to grow as a leader and as a person. However, I thought it was easy for them to say because they are not me – they are not the neophyte, incompetent, unskilled and immature person SERVICE’s officer is looking down to. They are who they are. They are respected by these people and obeyed by them. It’s them but not me. They do not know how I tried to go out of my comfort zone and try to approach them in the most courteous way that I can do. They do not know how hard it is to sacrifice my time, which I should be spending reading my notes and reviewing for my long exams, and that I almost fail one subject. They do not know all of that. What they just know is that I am an always smiling person who seems to not care on what is happening to the organization. They always say that I don’t say anything when I am being scolded by them, which looks like I am being oblivious or apathetic on what bad things are happening around me. That’s what they know. They do not know that smiling makes me hide the shame, fear, anger, and disappointment I feel inside. In the first place, it’s not all my fault. I tried my best but no one’s cooperating. I thought that I will be supported by those people who said they will; but no. I was left alone, trapped in the situation I don’t want to be in, where no one wants to lend a hand and help me rise from this pit of problems. I am just young then and I have to learn a lot but no one’s teaching me. I have to learn everything by my own without any guide from anyone. So how will I ever learn the thing they told me to know?
After I several meetings, evaluation of the program, and reconciliation, everything becomes alright. Or I just thought it was. I become part of the Pathways volunteer group where some of the SERVICE officers also joined. I was again a Marketing and Finance Officer and a tutor in Chemistry in Payatas Area. SERVICE issues are still alive but people are just making fun of those. Some of them joke about it and refer to me as if teasing me. I also laugh but sometimes I think their jokes are becoming more personal and more frequent. I just ignore them though I am hurt. My one whole year in Pathways run fairly well with some occurrence of unsettled problems of SERVICE. I thought everything is fine and that I now renew myself and that I can now start with a clean sheet of paper; but it’s not. People’s eyes are always on me. They watch my every work and see if it has flaws. They always tell me, “Marami ka pang dapat bawiin. Kailangan mo pang bumawi sa amin.” I was hurt with those statements. I work hard but I don’t feel that they recognize the effort I exerted. I am always trapped on fulfilling their expectations, which I can never reach. There comes a point wherein I really want to quit and just let them think what they want to think of me. But I tell to myself, “Just do what you think is best regardless of you achieve their expectation or not. In that case, you need not to either blame yourself or them.”
However, I wasn’t resilient enough to just take in all the harsh comments of people without reflecting on them. I am a person and I have limitations too. I have feeling that can be hurt and a pride that can be wounded. I reached my limitations a few days ago when a Pathways staff told me a statement I will never forget. I, together with other two people, was asked to do a certain task for the Seniors’ Farewell Party in Pathways. However, I did a lot of things and haven’t done the task assigned to me. Moreover, only one person is doing our task since the other person has also other things to do. So he told me to just go to the party’s venue to help them decorate the place but I was from the Pathways graduation in Marikina. I am part of the program and I can’t go earlier. Moreover, I have to change my clothes since the party is semi-formal. I know I have a fault and he has the right to be angry at me because I did inform him earlier. However, I was really hurt when he said to me in front of all the Pathways volunteers, “Hindi ka na ba nadala sa SERVICE mo? Alam ko na ngang wala kang kredibilidad dito sa Pathways pero binigyan pa rin kita ng pagkakataong bumawi. Pero ano? Ganito pa rin ang gagawin mo?”. I felt a mixed emotion at that moment. I don’t know if I will cry; pretend that it’s nothing; be angry with him; or be ashamed on what happened. All I know is that I am standing there in front of lots of people and not knowing what to do. At that moment, flashback starts. I think of how I join SERVICE, how my life change after joining SERVICE, how people’s perception of me changed after the failure I did in the past, how the people hid their comment on SERVICE issues on their everyday jokes, and how I felt so irresponsible person.
I thought, SERVICE is a resolved issue in the past; but it’s not. I am still living in the memory of the past. I cannot move forward because the past is pulling me back. I am fulfilling the failure I made in the past that can never be fulfilled. I am doing what is expected of me and not what I really want and can. I thought everything is alright but now I realized that it will never be alright until people understand what forgiveness means. After hearing those statements, I felt that I am not forgiven and that a great burden is still on my back. I can never turn back the time and erase the failures I made.
I am holding back my tears when Ate Wenky, a Pathways volunteer approached me and asked me if I am OK. She told me that I shouldn’t be treated like that. Moreover, she told me that she was very proud of me. She told me that when she first met me, I was teaching my students Chemistry. She was wandering in the area when she noticed me teaching enthusiastically. She said that she enjoyed my class and started to sit and listen to my lecture. At that moment, she said to herself that I really have a great passion in helping my students and she was inspired of me. When she said all of that, I didn’t notice that my tears began to fall. I can’t hold the back anymore. It was my first time to be appreciated and be recognized. It was the first time that a person told me that she’s proud of me; even I, myself, have never been proud of what I have done. In that moment, I realized that there are still people believing in me despite the failure I made. Most people might judge me based on the past failures I made, but the are still people who see the accomplishments I made.
Expectations are good to fulfill but not to the cost of losing your own passion and happiness in doing a certain thing. Fulfilling the expectations of people without considering yourself is the greatest failure a person can commit. When you submit yourself on what is expected but not what you wanted, you will soon find yourself not contented and disappointed on all the things you made. Doing your best, enjoying what you are doing, and being you true self allows an output that exceeds what is expected.
So, if I will be asked the question, “If you could turn back the time and change one event in your life, what would it be?”, I think my answer is still none. There might be some dark regions in my past but that add up to the colorful life I have now. Hard times make me stronger and help me grow as a person. It also makes me appreciate more the important people I have in life and tests who are those people that I can trust and rely on in times of troubles. Moreover, even though SERVICE experience is hard and gloomy, I can still say that I really had a good times fulfilling my main goal in joining SERVICE which is to help my students in their academic and personal life. I am also happy that some of them are inspired by the goal of SERVICE. Though I have conflicts with the officers of SERVICE, some are not yet resolved up to now, I also had true friends there. I still find true comforts in times where my hopes are almost gone. And I want to thank God for that – for giving me a balanced taste of bitter-sweet.
When this question was first asked to me, I confidently say I have none. It doesn’t mean that I have a perfect life but it’s just that I am contented to the life I have. I have good relationships to people and I don’t have much regrets on my past decisions. Moreover, the mistakes that I made may not be corrected but at least can be forgiven. However, after a certain situation happened to me these past few days, I think I have to examine my life further. I think there is one specific event in my life that I may want to change.
The whole story started about two years ago when I joined an organization named SERVICE (Student Enthusiast Rendering Vision and Impact on Competitive Education). This organization, under the supervision of Pathways to Higher Education, runs a tutorial program every summer for the middle-sectioned public high school students of Marikina. I joined this organization because as a Pathways scholar, I feel a strong responsibility in my community and the Pathways itself and I consider SERVICE as an opportunity to “pay-it-forward”. Moreover, since I spent my six years of grade school and four years of my high school in public school though I am tired of its not-so-good system, I want to serve as a catalyst of change and uplift the quality of public high school education that I had experienced. Other than that, one of the big factors that boost my enthusiasm in joining SERVICE is the fact that most of my friends are also joining. I think that it’ll be fun and efficient since I won’t be doing anything on summer. The whole summer passed gently and smoothly. I become very active in SERVICE that I eventually run as Marketing and Finance Officer for the next summer due to the encouragement of my friends and past elected officers. Then, the summer ended, it was my first year in college, new officers of SERVICE were elected, and I was the new Marketing and Finance Officer.
At first, I think my work will be hard but I never thought it’ll be this hard. The officers of SERVICE, whom I thought I know well and whom I thought I have a good relationship with, seem to look down on me. They always thought that I am too young for the position, too incompetent, and too unskilled to be in the position. Struggles and hardships started from the program planning itself and becoming worse as the summer approach. I serve as their puppet trying to do what they tell me to do just to please each and every one of them since if I made my own decisions, it is a big issue among the officers again. I work when they say I have to work and stop when they say to stop thinking that they are just training me and helping me cope with my task as officer of the group. I thought they are helping and guiding me to know my job well as the Marketing and Finance Officer. However, I realize that it is not. When the summer is almost there, the real big problem occurred. SERVICE is not yet well prepared for the summer and the main reason all the officers is blaming is me. They said that I haven’t raised enough money yet and that I haven’t had a concrete plan on what to do. I admit it is true that I haven’t raised enough money yet but it is because they told me to not move until they passed their budget proposals, got the list of companies to contact, etc. I was blamed for doing the task they told me to do. Moreover, the SERVICE president resigned and according to the organization’s constitution, I will be the officer-in-charge. Since there isn’t enough time to elect a new president, I soon become the president – a person in-charge of guiding all the officers, who are all much older and superior than me, to accomplish the goal of the organization.
As the president of SERVICE for the whole school year, I can never tell I have an easy time. Every second of the day, other than my academic concerns, I am thinking of what to do for SERVICE, what to update, and what to accomplish. But more than that, the greatest problem I encountered and what stressed me most is how to make all the officers obey or at the very least listen to me. I am the youngest of them all who are contented of doing what they order me to do. I am contented of listening and doing what they order me to do. They never thought me as a superior person who can give a strong call of order though I always try. For them, I am just a freshman college student who is currently coping with his new environment, neophyte, and incompetent to lead. As the quote said, “First impression lasts” and it really lasts. They see me as how they see me before. Then, the summer started with lots of issues and ended with a lot more issues. The summer classes lack fund, the graduation is not presentable, and the officers had bad relationships and experiences during the summer. In short, SERVICE on my administration is considered a failure, even though I tried my best and pushed myself beyond my limitations, and I was the only one to blame.
People literally blame me for how “trashy”, as they call it, the SERVICE has become. Pathways officers told me I am the leader and I was suppose to lead them. They told me that I may be too young to handle this big organization but in a positive view, it is an opportunity for me to grow as a leader and as a person. However, I thought it was easy for them to say because they are not me – they are not the neophyte, incompetent, unskilled and immature person SERVICE’s officer is looking down to. They are who they are. They are respected by these people and obeyed by them. It’s them but not me. They do not know how I tried to go out of my comfort zone and try to approach them in the most courteous way that I can do. They do not know how hard it is to sacrifice my time, which I should be spending reading my notes and reviewing for my long exams, and that I almost fail one subject. They do not know all of that. What they just know is that I am an always smiling person who seems to not care on what is happening to the organization. They always say that I don’t say anything when I am being scolded by them, which looks like I am being oblivious or apathetic on what bad things are happening around me. That’s what they know. They do not know that smiling makes me hide the shame, fear, anger, and disappointment I feel inside. In the first place, it’s not all my fault. I tried my best but no one’s cooperating. I thought that I will be supported by those people who said they will; but no. I was left alone, trapped in the situation I don’t want to be in, where no one wants to lend a hand and help me rise from this pit of problems. I am just young then and I have to learn a lot but no one’s teaching me. I have to learn everything by my own without any guide from anyone. So how will I ever learn the thing they told me to know?
After I several meetings, evaluation of the program, and reconciliation, everything becomes alright. Or I just thought it was. I become part of the Pathways volunteer group where some of the SERVICE officers also joined. I was again a Marketing and Finance Officer and a tutor in Chemistry in Payatas Area. SERVICE issues are still alive but people are just making fun of those. Some of them joke about it and refer to me as if teasing me. I also laugh but sometimes I think their jokes are becoming more personal and more frequent. I just ignore them though I am hurt. My one whole year in Pathways run fairly well with some occurrence of unsettled problems of SERVICE. I thought everything is fine and that I now renew myself and that I can now start with a clean sheet of paper; but it’s not. People’s eyes are always on me. They watch my every work and see if it has flaws. They always tell me, “Marami ka pang dapat bawiin. Kailangan mo pang bumawi sa amin.” I was hurt with those statements. I work hard but I don’t feel that they recognize the effort I exerted. I am always trapped on fulfilling their expectations, which I can never reach. There comes a point wherein I really want to quit and just let them think what they want to think of me. But I tell to myself, “Just do what you think is best regardless of you achieve their expectation or not. In that case, you need not to either blame yourself or them.”
However, I wasn’t resilient enough to just take in all the harsh comments of people without reflecting on them. I am a person and I have limitations too. I have feeling that can be hurt and a pride that can be wounded. I reached my limitations a few days ago when a Pathways staff told me a statement I will never forget. I, together with other two people, was asked to do a certain task for the Seniors’ Farewell Party in Pathways. However, I did a lot of things and haven’t done the task assigned to me. Moreover, only one person is doing our task since the other person has also other things to do. So he told me to just go to the party’s venue to help them decorate the place but I was from the Pathways graduation in Marikina. I am part of the program and I can’t go earlier. Moreover, I have to change my clothes since the party is semi-formal. I know I have a fault and he has the right to be angry at me because I did inform him earlier. However, I was really hurt when he said to me in front of all the Pathways volunteers, “Hindi ka na ba nadala sa SERVICE mo? Alam ko na ngang wala kang kredibilidad dito sa Pathways pero binigyan pa rin kita ng pagkakataong bumawi. Pero ano? Ganito pa rin ang gagawin mo?”. I felt a mixed emotion at that moment. I don’t know if I will cry; pretend that it’s nothing; be angry with him; or be ashamed on what happened. All I know is that I am standing there in front of lots of people and not knowing what to do. At that moment, flashback starts. I think of how I join SERVICE, how my life change after joining SERVICE, how people’s perception of me changed after the failure I did in the past, how the people hid their comment on SERVICE issues on their everyday jokes, and how I felt so irresponsible person.
I thought, SERVICE is a resolved issue in the past; but it’s not. I am still living in the memory of the past. I cannot move forward because the past is pulling me back. I am fulfilling the failure I made in the past that can never be fulfilled. I am doing what is expected of me and not what I really want and can. I thought everything is alright but now I realized that it will never be alright until people understand what forgiveness means. After hearing those statements, I felt that I am not forgiven and that a great burden is still on my back. I can never turn back the time and erase the failures I made.
I am holding back my tears when Ate Wenky, a Pathways volunteer approached me and asked me if I am OK. She told me that I shouldn’t be treated like that. Moreover, she told me that she was very proud of me. She told me that when she first met me, I was teaching my students Chemistry. She was wandering in the area when she noticed me teaching enthusiastically. She said that she enjoyed my class and started to sit and listen to my lecture. At that moment, she said to herself that I really have a great passion in helping my students and she was inspired of me. When she said all of that, I didn’t notice that my tears began to fall. I can’t hold the back anymore. It was my first time to be appreciated and be recognized. It was the first time that a person told me that she’s proud of me; even I, myself, have never been proud of what I have done. In that moment, I realized that there are still people believing in me despite the failure I made. Most people might judge me based on the past failures I made, but the are still people who see the accomplishments I made.
Expectations are good to fulfill but not to the cost of losing your own passion and happiness in doing a certain thing. Fulfilling the expectations of people without considering yourself is the greatest failure a person can commit. When you submit yourself on what is expected but not what you wanted, you will soon find yourself not contented and disappointed on all the things you made. Doing your best, enjoying what you are doing, and being you true self allows an output that exceeds what is expected.
So, if I will be asked the question, “If you could turn back the time and change one event in your life, what would it be?”, I think my answer is still none. There might be some dark regions in my past but that add up to the colorful life I have now. Hard times make me stronger and help me grow as a person. It also makes me appreciate more the important people I have in life and tests who are those people that I can trust and rely on in times of troubles. Moreover, even though SERVICE experience is hard and gloomy, I can still say that I really had a good times fulfilling my main goal in joining SERVICE which is to help my students in their academic and personal life. I am also happy that some of them are inspired by the goal of SERVICE. Though I have conflicts with the officers of SERVICE, some are not yet resolved up to now, I also had true friends there. I still find true comforts in times where my hopes are almost gone. And I want to thank God for that – for giving me a balanced taste of bitter-sweet.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
For you....
i don't really know what i am feeling right now...
i'm in the midst of confusion and certainty...don't know what to believe in and what to doubt...
i want to be happy but happiness itself makes me sad...
i am happy when i think of you but the thought of you makes me feel empty and alone...
i miss you but seeing you don't suffice to fill the gap between us...
we're from opposite worlds....we're from different generations....we're from diverse cultures...
i think i want you but the rules don't allow me....i think i love you but the odds just don't want believe it...i think i want to be with you but the space between us hinders me....i think i want to tell you all i really feel but bravery fails me....
i want to eradicate these doubts i feel and just say....
i want to break the rules and say i want you......face the odds and express my sincere love for you....to bridge the space between us and stay forever by your side....and finally, be brave enough to conquer my fear of sharing my whole self with you.....
now,
can you ever save a man's love in the middle of these conundrums by saying....
......
........
"YES! I love you too..."?
i'm in the midst of confusion and certainty...don't know what to believe in and what to doubt...
i want to be happy but happiness itself makes me sad...
i am happy when i think of you but the thought of you makes me feel empty and alone...
i miss you but seeing you don't suffice to fill the gap between us...
we're from opposite worlds....we're from different generations....we're from diverse cultures...
i think i want you but the rules don't allow me....i think i love you but the odds just don't want believe it...i think i want to be with you but the space between us hinders me....i think i want to tell you all i really feel but bravery fails me....
i want to eradicate these doubts i feel and just say....
i want to break the rules and say i want you......face the odds and express my sincere love for you....to bridge the space between us and stay forever by your side....and finally, be brave enough to conquer my fear of sharing my whole self with you.....
now,
can you ever save a man's love in the middle of these conundrums by saying....
......
........
"YES! I love you too..."?
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