I hope so....
'coz i am so stressed already....both physical and EMOTIONAL...hahaha..
well, but it's true...
hope the vacation will help me heal the wounds...and not make a new one....
know what??
i miss her but seeing her doesn't help much....seeing her makes me miss her more....'coz i know that she's not the same person i am looking for.....i know that i can't come to her just like how i come to her before....i know i can't talk to her freely without this awkward feeling that evolved just lately....i know i can't smile to her without thinking on the back of my head if she will ever dare look at me.....
i know how i miss her but what i don't know is how to NOT miss her....
i don't know how to dump this feeling....i don't know how to forget everything about her.....i don't know how to act normal when "normalcy" is not being with her....
i want to pretend as if it is normal for me not seeing her everyday or even once in a week...i want to pretend as if it is normal to pass each day without thinking of her....i want to pretend that every single day, without a slightest hint of her, is NORMAL....
but these are all pretensions.....and i am fully aware of it.....i know that there is nothing normal.....there's no normal day for me....no normal week for me....and no single moment for me that is NORMAL....
i want to go back to where i started.....i want to normalize everything......
and maybe without HER....
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Dahil ito kina Shari at Bea
Bakit ganun??
kahit alam ko na yun dati pa at siya mismo ang nagsabi sa akin, bakit hindi pa rin ako immune sa bawat detalye ng kuwento??
paulit-ulit ko pa ngang naririnig ang kuwentong iyon araw-araw mula sa kanya and same pain pa rin yung nararamdaman ko....
akala ko after some time masasanay din ako....mamamanhid na sa mga kuwentong iyon.......maninigas hanggang sa wala ng maramdaman sa tuwing maririnig ang mga kaliit-liitang detalye ng mga pangyayari....
pero hindi pala...
bumukal muli ang dating nakatagong sidhi ng damdamin...
hindi pa pala ako namanhid.....sobrang nanariwa pa ang damdaming iyon sa tuwing bumabalik sa aking gunita ang lahat ng mga alaala.....ng kanyang nakalipas....
nagpapantig ang tainga ko sa tuwing bubulong ang bawat salitang nagpapaalala sa akin ng lahat....mula sa pagkukuwento niya ng lahat na para bang wala akong pakiramdam....hanggang sa pagpupumilit ng aking mga kalamnan na itaas ang litid ng aking mga labi upang hindi niya maramdaman ang lungkot na ipinahihiwatig ng aking mga labing kanina pa nagpupumiglas na bumagsak......ang panginginig nito sa pagtatangkang ipakita sa kanya ang nakatangong lungkot na aking nadarama...hanggang sa aking pag-uwi at pagbabasura ng lahat ng istoryang maluwag niyang ibinahagi sa akin ngunit ayokong tanggapin....ayokong maalala ang lahat ng iyon...ang lahat-lahat ng patungkol sa "kanya"....si "kanya" na palagi niyang naaalala.....
at uuwi na parang walang nangyari....pag-uwi na parang tumugil ang mundo sa mga oras na kasama ko siya at wala akong nagawa....wala kaming ginawa maski magkuwentuhan o anuman.....kailangang paniwalain ko ang sarili kong wala akong nalaman....na wala akong narinig....na wala akong naramdaman nung mga panahong iyon.....
sana nga mapaniwala ko ang sarili ko ngayong bumalik ang ma basurang pinilit kong layuan at kalimutan.....
ngayon pa?? na alam kong pabalik na si "kanya"?? sariwa pa ang lahat at sa tingin ko mananatili pa ring sariwa sa mahabang panahon.....
kahit alam ko na yun dati pa at siya mismo ang nagsabi sa akin, bakit hindi pa rin ako immune sa bawat detalye ng kuwento??
paulit-ulit ko pa ngang naririnig ang kuwentong iyon araw-araw mula sa kanya and same pain pa rin yung nararamdaman ko....
akala ko after some time masasanay din ako....mamamanhid na sa mga kuwentong iyon.......maninigas hanggang sa wala ng maramdaman sa tuwing maririnig ang mga kaliit-liitang detalye ng mga pangyayari....
pero hindi pala...
bumukal muli ang dating nakatagong sidhi ng damdamin...
hindi pa pala ako namanhid.....sobrang nanariwa pa ang damdaming iyon sa tuwing bumabalik sa aking gunita ang lahat ng mga alaala.....ng kanyang nakalipas....
nagpapantig ang tainga ko sa tuwing bubulong ang bawat salitang nagpapaalala sa akin ng lahat....mula sa pagkukuwento niya ng lahat na para bang wala akong pakiramdam....hanggang sa pagpupumilit ng aking mga kalamnan na itaas ang litid ng aking mga labi upang hindi niya maramdaman ang lungkot na ipinahihiwatig ng aking mga labing kanina pa nagpupumiglas na bumagsak......ang panginginig nito sa pagtatangkang ipakita sa kanya ang nakatangong lungkot na aking nadarama...hanggang sa aking pag-uwi at pagbabasura ng lahat ng istoryang maluwag niyang ibinahagi sa akin ngunit ayokong tanggapin....ayokong maalala ang lahat ng iyon...ang lahat-lahat ng patungkol sa "kanya"....si "kanya" na palagi niyang naaalala.....
at uuwi na parang walang nangyari....pag-uwi na parang tumugil ang mundo sa mga oras na kasama ko siya at wala akong nagawa....wala kaming ginawa maski magkuwentuhan o anuman.....kailangang paniwalain ko ang sarili kong wala akong nalaman....na wala akong narinig....na wala akong naramdaman nung mga panahong iyon.....
sana nga mapaniwala ko ang sarili ko ngayong bumalik ang ma basurang pinilit kong layuan at kalimutan.....
ngayon pa?? na alam kong pabalik na si "kanya"?? sariwa pa ang lahat at sa tingin ko mananatili pa ring sariwa sa mahabang panahon.....
I act 14 years old, how old do you act?
*I just want to know how old do i act...'coz a lot of people thinks i am immature...well, it sounds like they have a point now...*
Put an X in all that apply and then add up to see how old you act!
[x] You know how to make a pot of coffee
[x] You keep track of dates using a calendar
[ ] You own a credit card
[ ] You know how to change the oil in a car.
[ ] You've done your own laundry.
[x] You can vote in an election.
[x] You can cook for yourself.
[ ] You think politics is exciting.
TOTAL: 4
[x] You show up for school late a lot.
[ ] You always carry a pen in your bag/purse/pocket.
[x] You've never gotten a detention.
[ ] You have forgotten your own birthday at least once.
[x] You like to take walks by yourself.
[x] You drink caffeine at least once a week.
TOTAL: 4
[x] You know how to do the dishes.
[ ] You can count to 10 in another language.
[ ] When you say you're going to do something you do it.
[ ] You can mow the lawn.
[x] You study when you have to.
[ ] You have hand washed a car before.
TOTAL: 2
[x] You can spell experience, without looking it up.
[ ] The people at Starbucks know you by name.
[ ] Your favorite kind of food is shawarma.
[ ] The first thing you do when you wake up is get caffeine.
[x] You can go to the store without getting something you don't need.
[ ] You understand political jokes the first time they are said.
[x] You can type pretty quick..
TOTAL: 3
[ ] Your only friends are from your place of employment.
[ ] You have been to a Tupperware party.
[ ] You have realized that no one will take you seriously unless you are over the age of 25 and have a job.
[ ] You have more bills than you can pay.
[x] You use the internet every day.
[ ] You have been outside of the country.
[ ] You make your own bed.
TOTAL: 1
REPOST AS: I act __ years old, how old do you act?
Put an X in all that apply and then add up to see how old you act!
[x] You know how to make a pot of coffee
[x] You keep track of dates using a calendar
[ ] You own a credit card
[ ] You know how to change the oil in a car.
[ ] You've done your own laundry.
[x] You can vote in an election.
[x] You can cook for yourself.
[ ] You think politics is exciting.
TOTAL: 4
[x] You show up for school late a lot.
[ ] You always carry a pen in your bag/purse/pocket.
[x] You've never gotten a detention.
[ ] You have forgotten your own birthday at least once.
[x] You like to take walks by yourself.
[x] You drink caffeine at least once a week.
TOTAL: 4
[x] You know how to do the dishes.
[ ] You can count to 10 in another language.
[ ] When you say you're going to do something you do it.
[ ] You can mow the lawn.
[x] You study when you have to.
[ ] You have hand washed a car before.
TOTAL: 2
[x] You can spell experience, without looking it up.
[ ] The people at Starbucks know you by name.
[ ] Your favorite kind of food is shawarma.
[ ] The first thing you do when you wake up is get caffeine.
[x] You can go to the store without getting something you don't need.
[ ] You understand political jokes the first time they are said.
[x] You can type pretty quick..
TOTAL: 3
[ ] Your only friends are from your place of employment.
[ ] You have been to a Tupperware party.
[ ] You have realized that no one will take you seriously unless you are over the age of 25 and have a job.
[ ] You have more bills than you can pay.
[x] You use the internet every day.
[ ] You have been outside of the country.
[ ] You make your own bed.
TOTAL: 1
REPOST AS: I act __ years old, how old do you act?
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Ang labo!!
Ang labo niya...sobrang labo niya..
hindi ko alam...pero basta naaasar ako...
akala ko ba tulad pa rin ng dati...walang magbabago...walang maiilang...walang lalayo...
(sabi niya hindi naman daw....pero iba yung feeling ko....i know that there's a big change....i might not know her a lot but i know how she dealt with me before...and comparing it with how she deals with me now, i can really say na may nagbago....)
pero hindi pala...gaya ng inaasahan ko....eto ngayon!!!
kaya nga ako hesitant nung una na sabihin sa kanya eh...kaya nga as much as possible ayokong malaman niya....hangga't maaari itinatago ko sa kanya..
pero ang kulit ko kasi....bakit ko ba kasi sinabi?? kahit na nalaman kong alam na rin niya before ko pa sabihin, wala pa ring pagkakaiba yun....
mas maganda nga sanang hindi ko na lang sinabi kasi at least walang confirmation...wala siyang proof na "ano" ko nga siya...
what am i expecting ba kasi when I told her about dun?? am i expecting na matutuwa siya?? or if not, na everything will be okay and will go back to their proper places and order??......adik nga ako kung ganun....'coz I know that in every little thing we did, nothing will be the same as before....a lot will change....and despite that, ginawa ko pa rin yun!!!
HAY!! i hope that i can bring back the time when she's clueless with everything....i hope i didn't give her a single hint about it....sana i not contemplating about everything...sana i am not regretting every single step i did....
ano ba kasing dapat kong gawin?? fool myself na HINDI?? we are who we were before...na i view her just like other people.....well, how i wish ganun nga....'coz it's hard to feel this way and be in this situation....but it's not!!
i hope i can distract myself on other things and pretend that everything is alright...and believe in her that nothing has changed....hope that i am a complete fool making myself believe on things i know are not real....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
hope everything will be alright....even i know it might not....
just be hopeful!!
SANA NGA!! i want to go back on how we were before.... i feel comfortable!!
hindi ko alam...pero basta naaasar ako...
akala ko ba tulad pa rin ng dati...walang magbabago...walang maiilang...walang lalayo...
(sabi niya hindi naman daw....pero iba yung feeling ko....i know that there's a big change....i might not know her a lot but i know how she dealt with me before...and comparing it with how she deals with me now, i can really say na may nagbago....)
pero hindi pala...gaya ng inaasahan ko....eto ngayon!!!
kaya nga ako hesitant nung una na sabihin sa kanya eh...kaya nga as much as possible ayokong malaman niya....hangga't maaari itinatago ko sa kanya..
pero ang kulit ko kasi....bakit ko ba kasi sinabi?? kahit na nalaman kong alam na rin niya before ko pa sabihin, wala pa ring pagkakaiba yun....
mas maganda nga sanang hindi ko na lang sinabi kasi at least walang confirmation...wala siyang proof na "ano" ko nga siya...
what am i expecting ba kasi when I told her about dun?? am i expecting na matutuwa siya?? or if not, na everything will be okay and will go back to their proper places and order??......adik nga ako kung ganun....'coz I know that in every little thing we did, nothing will be the same as before....a lot will change....and despite that, ginawa ko pa rin yun!!!
HAY!! i hope that i can bring back the time when she's clueless with everything....i hope i didn't give her a single hint about it....sana i not contemplating about everything...sana i am not regretting every single step i did....
ano ba kasing dapat kong gawin?? fool myself na HINDI?? we are who we were before...na i view her just like other people.....well, how i wish ganun nga....'coz it's hard to feel this way and be in this situation....but it's not!!
i hope i can distract myself on other things and pretend that everything is alright...and believe in her that nothing has changed....hope that i am a complete fool making myself believe on things i know are not real....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
hope everything will be alright....even i know it might not....
just be hopeful!!
SANA NGA!! i want to go back on how we were before.... i feel comfortable!!
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