i miss you but i'm just too weak to hold you in my arms.

looking forward to our anniv :D

we've been together for almost a year. i am so happy about it. looking forward for more years with you mhine. i love you <3

I love you mhine

i just so love you. i know we had our ups an down. we fight. we broke up. we hurt each other. and then we love.

from the very moment i first saw you up to now, i noticed that you had changed a lot (and so do I) and i am so happy about that. in that process of change, we had been together. we’re together at the happiest and saddest moments of our lives. we’ve experienced a lot of things together and yet up to this moment, i am still looking forward to more moments we will be going to experience together. i am still thrilled by every moments we were together. i still feel the ecstatic happiness whenever i see you. i am still familiar with the feeling of missing you and with the butterfly in my stomach whenever i am excited of meeting you up.

though we’ve been together for almost a year, i still want to know more about you. i want to continuously learn things about you. i want to be with you forever. i want to share my dreams with you. to build a bright future for us. i want to love and to be with you forever. Love you mhine

Lies within fairytales

Every time there's something wrong in our lives and we share it to other people, most of them, if not all, tell us that everything will be fine; that everything will be at its right place at the right time. As if the nature has an automatic mechanism that make people's life resembles a fairytale. But as I journeyed through life, I realize that life hardly resembles a fairytale. Life, in fact, is more like a tragedy. It's more of a compilation of conflicts, problems, and continuous struggles to achieve happiness. We are in an almost infinite cycle of never-ending struggles. All we want is happiness and this is what fuels us to move forward. We all hope that tomorrow will be a better future; that there is a bright future for us. But aren't we just making ourselves like fools, hoping that fairytales exist in the real world? Hoping that life will be fine in the end is almost putting ourselves into an endless pit of uncertainty. We are blind to the reality. We see things beyond what is real. We day dream not knowing that if reality suddenly shakes us and wakes us up, we will suffer more than if we already accept at the very first the misery of life.

All I ever ask...

I am not pretty sure if we'll be together for the rest of our lives. Most of the times, I want to believe you since that is the most convinient way to deal with it. However, there are times I feel like you are unsure of us. Sometimes, I feel like your hesitating if you want to spend the rest of your life with me. Whenever we are together, I feel like your holding back yourself as if you're unsure of us being together. There were times when I feel like you don't want me to be your partner. Though sometimes you tell me you love me, I cannot help myself but to still have even a slight doubt about it. I want to believe you that we are bound to be togther, that there will be a bright future waiting for us, that we just have to wait for the right time for us. I want to believe those that you promised me. But everytime I see you looking at me, everytime I stare at you whenever we have a fight, I see a hidden hesitation in you. I can see that you are still struggling with yourself whether you can bear living with me for the rest of your life. I know it's not easy to accept me as you lifetime partner. I have lots of shortcomings. I have lots of faults. I am far away from perfection. But this is me. I know i cannot force you to accept me, to love me. But you already did, as you said. You said you already accepted me for who I am. You said you love me and will love me until forever.

I don't know if it's only me who thinks this way. I hope so. I hope that all of these are just in my head. I don't want to believe my doubt. I want to believe you. I want to believe in your promises. I want to believe in a forever that never had happened to my life before. But how? I want to believe you but I don't want to be hurt anymore. I want to fully submit myself to your promises but what if you suddenly realize that you cannot love me forever? I know sometimes you are irritated with me saying 'I love you' over and over again. But do you know why? Because I want to get an assurance that you still love me. I always want to be sure that you love me each day of our life since you promised me forever. I am sure of myself that i will love you forever. But what's the purpose of my love if the subject of my affection does not accept my offer? However, everytime I say these words, you almost refuse it. You will say that this is not the right time for it. I understand your point but what I am asking is a continuous assurance from you. I just want to feel you love me and you care for me even if it's still not the right time. I want you to love me from today until that right time comes. I know we cannot be affectionate with each other now, since you told me we have to wait. But can't we love each other and let our partners feel that we love them even without any romantic gestures? I believe we can. It is possible for you and me to show each other that we love one another in many ways. Even we don't hug and kiss each other, I believe it is possible. I think a simple commitment to being single before the right time for us comes is a way showing love. Simple smile, care, touch, pat on the back, etc. are simple yet a strong assurance of your forever love. Forever starts not in the right time but rather eternity starts today and pursues each and everyday of our lives. That's all i ever ask. Assurance of the love you promised me to be forever.

Sick and tired

i am sick and tired of this.
i am sick and tired of foolishly believing in your promises.
i am sick and tired of crying for you.
i am sick and tired of messing myself.
i am sick and tired of being a pathetic lover of yours.
i am sick and tired of love.

My ever changing life

I don't know what's happening with my life...it is so inconsistent...one moment, I am so happy but with just a snap of a finger, I'm all down...

My life is changing drastically...and i don't know how can I cope with it...

Life becomes harder and harder for me....Sometimes, I just wish I can go back to the time when my life is just about me....But I know, if I will go back to those times, my life won't be as happy and as colorful as it is when I met you....

Para Sa'yo

lumayo kana sa akin
wag mo kong kausapin
parang awa mo na
wag kang magpapaakit sakin
ayoko nang masaktan ka
malakas akong mambobola
hindi ako santo

pero para sayo
ako'y magbabago
kahit mahirap
kakayanin ko
dahil para sayo
handa akong magpakatino
laging isipin
lahat ay gagawin
basta para sayo

hindi ikaw ung tipong niloloko
at hindi naman ako yung tipong nagseseryoso
at kahit sulit sana sayo ang kasalanan
lolokohin lang kita kaya kung pwede wag nalang
dahil ayoko nang masaktan ka
wag kang maniniwala
hindi ako santo

pero para sayo
ako'y magbabago
kahit mahirap
kakayanin ko
dahil para sayo
handa akong magpakatino
laging isipin
lahat ay gagawin
basta para sayo

bakit nakikinig kapa
matatapos na ang kanta
pinapatakas na kita
mula nung una
hindi kaba natatakot
baka ikaw ay masangkot
sa mga kasalanan ko

pero para sayo
ako'y magbabago
kahit mahirap
kakayanin ko
dahil para sayo
handa akong magpakatino
laging isipin
lahat ay gagawin
basta para sayo
ako'y magbabago
kahit mahirap
kakayanin ko
dahil para sayo
handa akong magpakatino
laging isipin
lahat ay gagawin
basta para sayo

ined ko po kasi...

Hindi ako santo

Miss you like crazy by Natalie Cole

Even though its been so long, my love for you keeps going strong

I remember the things that we used to do, a kiss in the rain

Til' the sun shined through, I'd try to deny it, but I'm still in love with you

I miss you like crazy, I miss you like crazy, ever since you went away

Every hour of every day, I miss you like crazy, I miss you like crazy

No matter what I say or do, there's just no getting over you

I can see the love shining in your eyes, and it comes as such a sweet surprise

If seeing's believing its worth the wait, so hold me and tell me its not too late

We're so good together, we're starting forever now, And I miss you like crazy

I miss you like crazy, ever since you went away, every hour of every day

I miss you like crazy, I miss you baby, a love like ours will never end

Just touch me and we're there again

Musical interlude

Just one night and we'll have that magic feeling like we used to do

Hold on tight and whatever comes our way we're gonna make it through

If seeing's believing its worth the wait, so hold me and tell me its not too late

We're so good together, we're starting forever now

And I miss you like crazy, I miss you like crazy

No matter what I say or do there's just no getting over you

And I miss you (baby), I miss you (baby), all the tender love you gave me

When a feeling gets this strong, you know the real thing come along

And I miss you, I miss you like crazy baby, only (you're) should be "your" sweet love

Can save me, I miss you like crazy, a love like ours will never end

Just touch me and we're there again,

Miss you like crazy, I miss you like crazy

....

it's hard to pretend na OK lang lahat...na hindi ako nasasaktan sa nangyayari...na walang nawala sa akin....pero ang hirap kapag sarili mo na ang nagsasabi sa'yong hindi ka masaya sa mga nangyayari..

i always see you sa lahat ng bagay na ginagawa ko...and the more i refuse to think of you, the more my head keeps on reminiscing our moments together...miss na miss na kita...ang hirap sa akin kapag nakikita kita kasi mas nagiging mahirap sa akin na kalimutan lahat ng tungkol sa atin...gusto kong lumayo....pero patuloy akong hinihila ng aking sarili palapit sa'yo...

galit ako sa'yo...galit ako sa lahat ng nangyayari sa atin ngayon.....pero mas galit ako sa sarili ko sa patuloy na pagmamahal sa'yo....sobrang sakit sa akin na isiping ganun lang kadali lahat sa'yo...na kalimutan ako...na pagsisihan lahat ng tungkol sa atin...na tawagin akong hadlang sa kaligayahan mo...

ang hirap isipin na mali lahat ng pag-aakala ko....akala ko masaya ka sa piling ko...akala ko mahal mo ako...akala ko hindi mo ako iiwan...akala ko kahit anong mangyari ay maninindigan ka sa mga pangako mo....lahat ng pag-aakala kong iyon ay mali....

ganun lang kadali sa'yo na ibasura lahat ng pangako mo....ganun lang kadali sa'yo na sabihin sa aking hindi ka masaya sa piling ko...ganun lang kadali sa'yo na tawagin akong bangungot sa buhay mo! ganun lang kadali sa'yo ang lahat....pero sa akin, hindi kailanman naging madali...

akala ko masaya ka sa akin...akala ko totoo na lahat...umasa ako, nabigo, umasa muli, nabigo na naman....hanggang kailan ako aasa at mabibigo?

ang hirap aminin sa sarili na lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon ay galing sa taong siya ring nagdudulot ng kaligayahan sa akin....yung taong inaasahan mong hinding hindi ka iiwan...yung taong gusto mong makasama sa buong buhay mo....yung taong mahal na mahal mo...yung taong siya ring iniikutan ng mundo mo....

ang hirap maging masaya kung yung kasiyahan mo ay isipin siya...siya rin na dahilan ng kalungkutan mo...

mahal na mahal kita mhine....i just don't know how to love you while loving myself.....

I want to completely forget this pain I have

I want to forget all the hurts it costs me, pero kahit anong gawin ko there are always things that reminds me of what happened....When I looked at your facebook, your status shows how you hate me...and my mind keeps on telling me that you don't love me......I always reject that idea and tell myself you really DO love me....pero, honestly, nahihirapan akong kumbinsihin yung sarili ko na mahal mo ako....'cause every time I read your posts, I suddenly realize how is it easy for you to forget your love for me and easily spit out words that really hurts me....Every word you said penetrates my innnermost self.....I feel the pain - a pain I cannot imagine I can feel....

But despite that, I always tell myself, galit lang siya....Mhine, sana nga galit ka lang kaya mo nasabi yun....I always contradict what my mind tells me....My mind tells me you don't love me 'cause it's easy for you to be mean to me....But I tell myself, you're just angry and i know you love me because you tell me you love me and I believe it.....My mind tells me you don't love me 'cause you told me I am 'worthless' (from your facebook) even from the start [it means you thought I am worthless before and despite you telling me you love me, you still feel I am worthless]....But i tell myself, you didn't mean it and you are just carried by your emotions....My mind tells me you don't love me 'cause if you do and you're just carried by your emotions, why aren't you deleting your post yet? But I just said, you are just busy and you don't have time to change it. But in the end, my mind told me, "you saw him facebook-ing yesterday, why didn't he changed his status?"....and that's the end of my conversation with my mind....I don't know the answer....As I am writing this, I still feel the pain...I can't help myself to cry....hindi ko kaya mhine na maging matatag at tanggapin lahat ng sinabi mo....kahit na alam kong OK na tayo, hindi ko lang kayang kimkimin yung sakit eh....I know tapos na yung issue, pero I just want to share with you what I feel....mhine, I love you and in my case, I won't tell you anything that I will soon regret i said....Mhine, kahit gaano ako kagalit sa'yo I can't say words that I know will hurt you....kasi kahit gaano ako kagalit sa'yo, kahit gaano ako kainis, kahit gaano ako nasasaktan, i cannot foget all the love I have for you and just easily spit mean words about you.....

Despite my defense mechanisms, despite all my alibis just to convince myself you really mean it when you said you love me, I still know that there is a big possibility that you really mean what you said in your posts....Also, I remember while reading your posts in facebook and blogspot, you also told me while that if you use your pride, you'll gonna give me up....and I am suddenly, stunned.....i thought you won't leave me despite everything, I thought you will be faithful and loving to me....I thought you will accept me for who I am.....Or I am just thinking too much of things it's only me who imposed?

I am just afraid on what I am seeing on our relationship....When we fight, it is as if you will let me go and it is easy for you to show me you don't love and care for me.....Then, if we OKAY na, parang wala na lang lahat....Natatakot lang ako na kapag dumating yung time na mahirapan ka na, you will easily give up on me....

Mhine, I just want you to be honest with me...i just want you to tell me if you love me or not....Mhine, I want to convince myself that you love me 'cause I love to believe that...I really want to believe that you love me.....But I lack evidence to prove it, my evidence tells me otherwise (your posts)....Mhine, help me convince myself and please explain to me what happened? Why did you say that? I just want truth to have peace...