I don't wanna wait in vain for HER love!!

Maybe I should now move on...It's been a very long time since I hold on to this feeling...It's hard to wait for a love that doesn't really exist at all...I should be contented on the relationship we have...Though I am expecting some more, it doesn't benefit both of us especially me. As much as I want to be closer and more intimate to her, the more we become apart...I love her and I really want to care for her...I want to love her as much as I can but now I realize that I should control myself...I am not happy with it but maybe it's a better, if not right, decision...I shouldn't be a martyr and just love her and not be loved back...Who doesn't want his/her love ones to love him/her back? Of course everyone wants his/her love to be reciprocated...It's so tiring to love someone that is oblivious of your existence...Who is just taking you for granted and not realizing the efforts you are exerting just to make her feel that you care for her....But honestly, i never get tired of loving her though I really want to....Gusto kong mapagod pero every time I saw her, I always realize that I still and will love her...I always tell myself that I shouldn't love her anymore and I should distract myself in loving her. But just after I told that to myself, my heart keeps screaming and shouting for the feelings I have for her...I can't keep my feeling for her...I often found myself staring at her though I really didn't intend to...I often found myself playing with her hair, pinching her or any action where I can feel that I am close to her (literally)....I always miss her and found myself thinking of her...

However, if I really love her, I should set her free....I shouldn't fence her and prevent her from achieving happiness (though it's possible that her happiness is with someone else's company)...It's hard (I know!) to do it but it's the right thing to do...It is always hard to do the right thing but we should always do it...But though I decide to stop loving her and prevent myself on hoping for something more than friends (if we're still the friends we were before), she will always be the girl I care for and love...Though I still want to wait for her love (even in vain...promise!!), I am feeling that she doesn't want me to wait...I should accept the fact that the best thing we could just ever be is being friends...

I really really really love her (kahit na she doesn't love me back...loving her still brings me happiness) and my decisions wouldn't change that fact...

In bed!!

Hahahaha....

Sobrang funny ng night ko yesterday...Nagstart sa Philo class ko kung saan sobrang hyper ni Sir Jope...para siyang nakainom or nakadrugs...Sobrang energetic niya kagabi kaya hindi rin naging dull yung Philo class ko kahapon..

Nagkuwento siya tungkol sa mga car minor-accidents niya at kung paano siya nag-react sa mga pangyayaring iyon...tapos kinuwento rin niya yung "pagtataksil" kuno ng asawa niya dahil dalawang beses nagsend sa kanya ng SMS na kasama niya si John Lloyd...at eto namang si Sir, nagdrama at nag-act kung paano niya pagsasabihan yung asawa niya kapag nagkita sila sa bahay (hahaha..na-i-imagine ko pa si Sir kung paano siya sinabi yung line na "Talipantas ka" sabay sampal sa hangin ng kaliwa't kanan)....hanggang sa napunta na kami sa pag-uusap ng "Logos"....Ginawa niyang halimbawa ang pagsasabi ng "I love you" bilang logos...Nagkuwento pa siya ng scenario na pag-iibigan ng dalawang tao na halaw sa patalastas ng Greenwich (yung may pizza and lasagna...hahahaha)...tapos napunta rin kami sa nagsasalitang dingding na nagsasabing "Huwag mo akong banggain kasi masasaktan ka" (habang sinasabi ito ni Sir, buong buo ang emosyon niya na para bang may malalim siyang pinaghuhugutan)...hanggang sa nagsalita na rin ang mesa na ang linya naman ay "Patungan mo ako, patungan mo ako" (hahaha...ang laswa sa pandinig!!)...tapos sinabi rin ni Sir yung line na "Ang lahat ng bagay ay magkaugnay, magkaugnay ang lahat" ng paulit-ulit dahil daw paulit-ulit din yung kanta...At sobrang madami pang iba...sobrang funny but also insightful night with Sir Jope discussing Philosophy...

Then, hindi pa dyan natapos yung gabi ko....Pumunta ako ng Macci para i-meet sina Gian, Tin at Reyvan para mag-review sa nalalapit na pagsusulit sa Finance...ngunit nauwi ang lahat sa tawanan at pagjo-joke...kasi naman, dumating si Amae...

Marami kaming nilaro at napagkuwentuhan kagabi pero ang highlight ng lahat ay nung naglaro kami ng "What would you Choose..." na application ni Amae sa phone niya...laro iyon kung saan kailangan mong pumili ng isa mula sa dalawang choices...at sobrang weird ng mga choices....(e.g. What would you choose, drink a pee in a week or eat slugs in a day? something like that)...Tapos hanggang sa nauwi yung tanong sa "What would you choose, End all your sentences with 'in bed' or end it with 'zzzzz...over'?".....And we chose the first one...tapos, sinubukan namin and sobrang nakakatawa yung mga kinalabasan...Puno ng malisya yung bawat sentence na babangitin namin....at hindi na kami halos huminto...kahit na ayaw na namin, tumatakbo pa rin sa isip namin na dugtungan lahat ng sinasabi namin ng 'in bed'....and napag-usapan pa namin, for example, si Roden...example sentences:"Ang boring naman ni Roden...in bed", "Laging naka-power stance si Roden...in bed", "Laging nakabukaka si Roden...in bed", "Ayoko kay Roden kasi nambabagsak siya....in bed","Hindi marunong magturo si Roden...in bed", at napakarami pang iba....hanggang pati nga ako nabiktima kasi kumakain ako ng fries tapos nagpatawa sila about 'in bed' kaya hindi ko tuloy malunok yung fries...so, sabi ko..."Ayoko na, hindi ako makalunok"..then, dinugtungan nila ng 'in bed'....hahahaha....lalo akong tumawa nang tumawa...Tapos sinabi ko din na nangangawit na yung panga ko...and again, dugtong nila 'in bed'?..hahaha..Tapos sinabi rin ni Amae na "Huwag ako yung sisihin ninyo dyan (sa walang humpay na pagtawa) ha. Ako lang yung nag-initiate pero kayo yung NAGPALAKI".....hahaha....malamang, anong dugtong?? eh di, IN BED...SOBRANG ADIK!!

Sobrang adik ng mga tao kahapon...hanggang ngayon nga may hang-over pa rin ako sa ka-adikan ni Sir Jope and syempre sa 'in bed' na pinasimulan ni Amae...sobrang hindi ko na matanggal sa isip ko yung phrase na 'in bed'

"What is love?"

1. "Love is the answer to the problem of loneliness because it is only in love that i find at-onement and still remain myself"

2. "Love is an active power in man, power which breaks through the walls which separate man from his fellowmen, which unites him with others, love makes him overcome the sense of isolation and separateness, yet, it permits him to be himself, to retain his integrity. In love, the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two."

3. "And love is the experience of this depth and mystery of the other and the firm will to be for him."

4. "...even if i have satisfied the request of the other, he may go away dissatisfied because my heart was not in it."

5. "While it is true that i need an attitude that has broken away from self-preoccupation to see the appeal of the other, the converse also holds: the appeal of the other which is himself enables me to liberate myself from my narrow self. It reveals to me an entirely new dimension of my existence, that perhaps my self-realization may be a destiny-for-you. Because of you,I understand the meaningless of my egoism.

6. Perhaps, I am not meant to be alone, perhaps I can only be truly myself with you."

7. "Compatibility is not necessarily love. Neither is submission necessarily love, sometimes, refusing the request of the other may be the only way of loving the person in a situation, if satisfying it would bring harm to the person."

8. "When I love the other, I am saying 'I want you to become what you want to be. I want you to relaize your happiness freely'."

9. "To love the other is to labor for that love, to care for his body, his world, his total well-being."

10. "Love then necessitates a certain personal knowledge of the other."

11. "The temptation is also very great that I may impose my own concept of happiness on the other. I can go on laboring for the happiness of the other, where in reality I am simply fulfilling my own needs."

12. "The other has become an extension of myself and has become absorbed by my own person. If love is not to be become domination, it must be balanced by a certain respect, respect for the uniqueness and otherness of the other.

13. Respect does not mean idolizing a person; it simply means accepting the person as he is, different from myself."

14. "Patience requires a lot of waiting and catching-up, a waiting that is active, ever-ready to answer to needs of the other, and catching up that is spontaneous and natural."

15. "I offer myself to him by placing a limitless trust in the other."

16. "It is compelling, dominating or possessing the other."

17. "Love wants the other's freedom: that the other I come to fulfill and love myself."

18. "The joy i first experience in life is the joy of being loved."

19. "there exist in loving the other the desire to be loved in return."

20. "The desire is essential but should never become the motive for loving, otherwise I am 'loving' the other not for what he is but for what I can get in return, for myself."

21. "The primary motive for loving the other is thus the other himself, the YOU. The 'you' is not a 'he' or 'she' I talk about. The 'you' is not just another self (just a rose among the other roses, a fox among other foxes), but the you-for-whom-I-care. The YOU in love is discovered by the lover himself. It is not that the lover is lover is blind to the objective qualities of the other but that he is clear that the other is over and above his qualities."

22. "The motive of love is the YOU that is seen not only by the eyes or mind but more by the heart. 'I love you because you are beautiful and lovable, and you are beautiful and lovable because you are you."

23. "Since the 'you' is another subjectivity, he is free to accept or reject my offer. This is the risk of loving, that the other may reject or betray the self I have offered to him."

24. "The experience of being rejected can be an emptying of oneself which would allow room in oneself for development. In this sense, an unreciprocated love can still be an enriching experience."

25. "No shop in the world that sells love."

26. "When love is reciprocated, love becomes fruitful, love becomes creative."

27. "The union in love, however, does not involve the loss of identities. The 'I', the 'you' an other. We become more of ourselves by loving each other. This is the paradox in love, the many in one, one in many--poet EE Cummings."

28. "one's not half two it's two that are halves of one."

29. "Love is essentially a disinterested giving of myself to the other as other. The giving in love is not a giving up nor the giving in love the giving of the marketing character because as we have said, in love I do not give in order to get something in return."

30. "To give myself in love is not so much to give of what I have as of what I am and can become."

31. "But why this particular other? Why did I choose you and not some other? Because you are lovable, and you are lovable because you are you. I see a certain value in you, and I want to enhance and be part of that value?"

32. "The value of the other is the value of his being a unique self. In a sense then, everyone is valuable and consequently lovable because everyone is unique, original, irreducible and one of its kind. Thus, if I am capable of loving-this particular person for what he is, I am capable too of loving the others for what they are."

33. "Is easy to love mankind in general but so difficult to love unique individual persons"

34. "TO LOVE IS TO LOVE OTHER HISTORICALLY"

35. "the great thing in friendship is being equal to an inferior"

36. "The 'you' in love is indivisible and thus love is an undivided commitment to the other. it is offered from the totality of my being to the totality of the other's being."

37. "When I make friends with you, I do not say to you, let us be friends only for two year, for as long as we are in the same class. TRUE, friendships can be broken, yet people do not become friends on the understanding that they be friends only for a limited time. Love implies imorlatlity."

38. " in love, we catch a glimpse of eternity."

39. "True friends and lovers share secrets and intimacies not for public consumption."

from Phenomenology of Love by Manuel B. Dy, Jr.

WHAT LOVE IS NOT

40. "our heart is primarily destined to love"

41. "Love is not the same as benevolence because it is not necessary in love that we seek the material benefit of its object. When we love God, for instance, it would be ridiculous to be benevolent to him."
"Love is not"

42. "In fellow-feeling, we can rejoice over A's pleasure over B's misfortune, but in love we evaluate this as not in accordance with A's higher possibilities of being."

43. "Love is not a feeling because feeling is passive or receptive and reactive, whereas love is a spontaneous act and movement."

44. "We first love and only later give reasons for our love"

45. "The heart has its own reasons which reasons itself does not know"

46. "Love is not an intrinsically a social disposition like altruism"

47. ESSENCE OF LOVE

48. "The opposite of love is not hatred but indifference, because hatred like love is also an act and a movement, albeit in the opposite direction. Hatred is a disorder of the heart."

49. "In love, we don't discover values, we discover that everything is more valuable"

50. "Love is an intentional movement from a lower to a higher value of the object loved. Love is basically a movement."

From Max Scheler's Phenomenology of Love by Maneul Dy, Jr.

Ano bang problema??

May ginawa na naman ba ako? Bakit ka ganyan? Minsan OK tayo, tapos bigla ka na lang magbabago and wala na naman...Hindi ko alam kung paano ako kikilos...Tanggap ko naman kung hanggang saan lang talaga tayo (kahit na hindi ko mapigilan yung sarili ko na mahalin ka pa rin...pero I hope, i will soon learn how to UNLOVE you)...Hindi naman ako nagdedemand ng kapalit eh...just allow me let you feel what I want you to feel...just let me do what i am willing to do...masaya naman ako dun eh...martir man, maybe I am just fully aware that love is always wrapped with pain...

Hindi ba pwedeng katulad tayo ng dati..OK naman tayo dati di ba? Iniisip ko tuloy na sana kaya kong bumalik sa nakaraan at baguhin 'yung mga naging hakbang ko noon...Hindi ako sigurado kung mali 'yun dahil naging tapat lang naman ako sa gusto kong sabihin...'Yun yung nararamdaman ko, masama bang sabihin? Alam ko malaki yung magiging pagbabago pagkatapos kong sabihin yun sa'yo, pero hindi ko inakala na ganito kalala...Pwede naman tayong maging friends pa rin di ba?(kung itinuring mo nga akong kaibigan dati). Pero kung hindi naman talaga friend yung naging tingin mo sa akin dati, sabihin mo na lang...At least alam ko kung saan ako magsisimula...Ang hirap kasing mag-assume ng relationship na wala naman pala talaga...

Hell Week...Heaven day.....then, comes loneliness...

Sobrang daming nangyari sa akin last week and sobrang pagod ako...toxic in short!! Sabay-sabay mga long exams kaya rin hindi ako masyadong nakakapag-net and nakakapag-blog...

Wala halos akong tulog for 4 straight days...kasi may exam sa Stat na wala pa akong masyadong alam kaya kailangan kong mag-review from the start...buti na lang nandyan sina Amae para turuan ako....and maganda naman yung naging result kasi pumasa ako...tapos may exam din ako ng Math 195 na wala talaga akong alam kahit ano...kahit nagreview na ako, wala pa rin akong alam...kaya nung nagtest ako, nakatulala lang ako. Buti na lang at may proving ng Intermediate Value Theorem na kabisado ko from Cherryl's notes...hahaha..

But after Friday, nagparty-party lang kami....nagmall kami nila Amae and naglaro sa Time Zone Gateway para naman ma-relax kami after the draining long tests and para na rin i-treat yung sarili namin since we survived our hell week...Then, we went to Shawn's house to really party!!

May inuman and nagdala si Amae ng Gin and Vodka....well, fun yung party but it will be better kung a lot of people came...we had twisters, then rockband, etc...but the most memorable game for me is the card game...

We played Lucky Nine and those who will lose will have a consequence....The most common consequence is body shot...hahahaha...Nung una, hindi ako natatalo and I am really confident na never will I be...(Oh, I forgot to tell you, Kim is also there...kaya I was happier that day)...pero kinakabahan ako not for myself but for Kim. Kasi kapag nataya siya, then kailangan niyang mag-body shot with other person...eh, paano kung guy yung partner niya?? So, I don't want her na mataya...

However, sa isang round ng game, bigla siyang nagreact which signals na nataya siya...then, kinabahan ako...baka kasi guy yung mataya...then, inisip ko, sana ako na lang (naughty? yes of course...pero after kong maisip yun, natawa na lang ako and i feel guilty about it)...then, when i looked into my cards, 20 yung sum ng card ko which means...zero ako...however, i can still get a card....at first, i joke Cherryl na i won't get another card para talo na ako (pero of course that's a joke kasi masyado namang halata yun...kahit na yun yung best way to protect her from other guys, i have to pick another card taking into consideration that other people, which maybe a guy, can also lose and have a body shot with KC....this will really broke my heart)...Then, when i picked a card, it is another 10 and my total score will stil be zero....

At that moment, I don't know what to feel...masaya ako kasi hindi other people yung magko-consequence with her....and aaminin ko na, masaya ako kasi gagawin ko yung consequence with her; it's once in a lifetime...pero na-gi-guilty ako kasi pwede namang girl na lang yung gumawa ng consequence with her para walang malice...pero, of course, we have to do the consequence...she has to lick my chest that has salt and drink water with ketchup ('coz she don't drink alcohol)...At that moment, i feel like everything around me stop and there's only the two of us....I feel like the whole room is in fire, though it is air-conditioned, since I am sweating a lot (I think I'm sweating)...Then, when she licked me, I felt the hotness of her tongue touching my cold body which gives me a great chill...(Just a secret: I don't wash my chest...and i don't really know why...:D)

But it does not end with that! After we did our consequence, we lose again...HIndi ko yun sinadya..promise...it's just fate!! hahaha....pero sobrang nakakatakot yung consequence bacause ako naman yung mag-li-lick...Ang hirap kasi I have to lick her on the chest...well, the part of chest near the neck (not too low)...I don't know what to feel...I am happy but not quite...Of course, it is hard for a guy to do that...I sweat more than before and my whole body is tensed...Then, my friends told me that they should see my tongue as it go through her body...meaning, i have to stick it out longer...I was really hesitant but they are persistent...So, just to end the show, I closed my eyes then stick out my tongue and lick her chest as slow as i can....and of course, drink...(which turns out sensual 'coz imagine, i am licking her with closed eyes...hahaha)

Then, the night has to end because we still have a class the next day (Finance)...I thought the night will end fun...But just before I got home, na-bad-trip ako...Nagselos na naman ako....kasi sobrang close niya kay Nico...I know they have past (kasi may gusto si Nico sa kanya before though sinabi ni KC kay Nico na she doesn't like him)....And worse, wala na si Nico and Dawn which I speculate dahil kay KC (well, I'm not sure pero I am just guessing)....I know wala naman akong rights para magselos...Bakit kami ba?? Pero hindi ko naman kasi mapigilan yung sarili kong magselos eh....Kung kaya ko lang, bakit hindi?? Adik lang talaga ako na I am demanding na sa akin lang siya maging sweet kahit hindi naman kami...I am fencing her away from other guys, though I know she doesn't want me to do it...Sino ba ako? baka nga hindi pa ako umabot sa pagiging "close friend niya" eh...

But I know I can move on...I will just go with the flow...I will hold on to my feeling as long as I can...I know it will go...I will soon be over her...There are lots of people out there and I hope someone will be there for me....Hope someone, out there, will love me and care for me...Hope she will come soon...