I want to forget all the hurts it costs me, pero kahit anong gawin ko there are always things that reminds me of what happened....When I looked at your facebook, your status shows how you hate me...and my mind keeps on telling me that you don't love me......I always reject that idea and tell myself you really DO love me....pero, honestly, nahihirapan akong kumbinsihin yung sarili ko na mahal mo ako....'cause every time I read your posts, I suddenly realize how is it easy for you to forget your love for me and easily spit out words that really hurts me....Every word you said penetrates my innnermost self.....I feel the pain - a pain I cannot imagine I can feel....
But despite that, I always tell myself, galit lang siya....Mhine, sana nga galit ka lang kaya mo nasabi yun....I always contradict what my mind tells me....My mind tells me you don't love me 'cause it's easy for you to be mean to me....But I tell myself, you're just angry and i know you love me because you tell me you love me and I believe it.....My mind tells me you don't love me 'cause you told me I am 'worthless' (from your facebook) even from the start [it means you thought I am worthless before and despite you telling me you love me, you still feel I am worthless]....But i tell myself, you didn't mean it and you are just carried by your emotions....My mind tells me you don't love me 'cause if you do and you're just carried by your emotions, why aren't you deleting your post yet? But I just said, you are just busy and you don't have time to change it. But in the end, my mind told me, "you saw him facebook-ing yesterday, why didn't he changed his status?"....and that's the end of my conversation with my mind....I don't know the answer....As I am writing this, I still feel the pain...I can't help myself to cry....hindi ko kaya mhine na maging matatag at tanggapin lahat ng sinabi mo....kahit na alam kong OK na tayo, hindi ko lang kayang kimkimin yung sakit eh....I know tapos na yung issue, pero I just want to share with you what I feel....mhine, I love you and in my case, I won't tell you anything that I will soon regret i said....Mhine, kahit gaano ako kagalit sa'yo I can't say words that I know will hurt you....kasi kahit gaano ako kagalit sa'yo, kahit gaano ako kainis, kahit gaano ako nasasaktan, i cannot foget all the love I have for you and just easily spit mean words about you.....
Despite my defense mechanisms, despite all my alibis just to convince myself you really mean it when you said you love me, I still know that there is a big possibility that you really mean what you said in your posts....Also, I remember while reading your posts in facebook and blogspot, you also told me while that if you use your pride, you'll gonna give me up....and I am suddenly, stunned.....i thought you won't leave me despite everything, I thought you will be faithful and loving to me....I thought you will accept me for who I am.....Or I am just thinking too much of things it's only me who imposed?
I am just afraid on what I am seeing on our relationship....When we fight, it is as if you will let me go and it is easy for you to show me you don't love and care for me.....Then, if we OKAY na, parang wala na lang lahat....Natatakot lang ako na kapag dumating yung time na mahirapan ka na, you will easily give up on me....
Mhine, I just want you to be honest with me...i just want you to tell me if you love me or not....Mhine, I want to convince myself that you love me 'cause I love to believe that...I really want to believe that you love me.....But I lack evidence to prove it, my evidence tells me otherwise (your posts)....Mhine, help me convince myself and please explain to me what happened? Why did you say that? I just want truth to have peace...
